A Taste of Jellybean Kisses - Pink - The Prequel

Four

BEFORE

Since the first day of freshman year, I'd worn something of his almost every day. It had started when I'd ran from the lunch room the first time after a bunch of senior boys started slut shaming my sister and comparing me to her. One of them had the nerve to ask me out so he could get lucky. I'd started crying, which made me feel almost worse than their mean words, and I'd gone to hide.

Jax found me in the overly air conditioned library stacks and wrapped his jacket around me after he noticed my goose bumps. "If it happens again just tell them you have a boyfriend, and they'll stop bothering you,” he'd said. So I did. By the time idea penetrated the thick skulls of the obnoxious ones, the whole school thought it was true.

With everything he'd done for me, I owed him some answers, at least. Tonight, I vowed he would get them. But I needed some liquid courage.

*

"Woah there Speedy Gonzales," Jax said with a laugh. "I thought one was your limit. Eat something first ok?" He rifled thought cupcakes and chips and lots of chocolate. "This one has peanuts, so that counts as dinner, right?" Jax said, handing it over.

"But it's your favorite," I said, and he just shrugged. How many other things had he given up taking care of me all these years, and I didn't even have the courtesy to ask why he'd done it. "Here,” I said, opening the king-size Snicker's and breaking it in half. 

Jax held onto the candy, not wolfing it down like he usually would.  I got nervous all over again and tried to swallow the bite in my mouth.

"What?" I asked. The wind kicked up and knots tightened in my stomach and I knew my reprieve was over.

"What changed Jacey? What didn’t I do?" Jax asked, looking defeated. I shook my head furiously, angry at myself for putting my fears before his needs once again.

"You did everything right. I was wrong not to have let you off the hook after freshman year.” I looked down, ashamed of myself for so many reasons.

The gossip that first year was the worst but I learned to shut people up with a steely cold look. I became adept at holding back tears, freezing them in my eyes so no one could see the hurt.  By tenth grade, Lola’s graduating class had gone, and things got easier. I made a few new friends, though I kept them . At arms length figuring the less they knew about me the better. People started to call me the Ice Queen, which I secretly liked. I was only truly friendly if Jax was around. 

He was always tossing an arm around me, or pulling me onto his lap when seats were short. At first I played into it to keep others away.  but more and more I simply craved the contact. All through tenth grade and halfway through eleventh, the kisses and cuddles stayed platonic.  Jax was never inappropriate but I wanted him to be.

"Just tell me already. Please?” he asked, biting his lip and staring at me. The hurricane made everything more dramatic. I didn’t think we would actually die in the storm,  but it did occur to me Jax wouldn't have any idea how I felt about him if the storm ended our time together. Just that idea made me brave enough to press on.

"I couldn't handle being alone with you. This year? That was me stepping away because… forgetting even about gossip or whatever, the things I was thinking were wrong."

“Who told you that?” Jax asked incredulously.

"My parents. The whole town. Our priest. You know, the sex before marriage thing just has a little extra meaning for me."

Jax put his hands in his hair, gripping it, las if  he was trying to keep himself together that way. "I get that this was mysterious in ninth grade, but do you really not know there's a big space between kissing and getting pregnant?" I couldn't understand Jax's look, but I felt like I wasn't getting something that I was supposed to.