The Jump (Short Story)

The Jump

My name is David Hill, and I'm about to do something that I didn't think I'd be capable of. 

Standing on the edge of the bridge, looking down, hit me in a way I didn't expect. I knew I would be scared, the fear was my main worry about all of this, but I didn't expect the burst of excitement that would shoot through my body, urging me to jump whilst at the same time warning me not to. I could only have been teetering over this drop for a few seconds but time seemed to stop, allowing me to soak in the two different views that presented themselves to me. One was the distance, the sprawling landscape that was in front of me, stretching for miles. It caused me to think that however painful this world can be, at its heart it's beautiful. The other wasn't quite as inspiring, a view of the water below, the sharp rocks seemingly waiting for me to hit them, glistening in the sunlight whilst the ripples of the river splashed gently against them. It was both calming and daunting. 

I began to think about what led me here, what caused me to do something that I never thought I would be able to do, the choices I'd made and the actions I'd taken. 

Like anything, grief is something some people can handle better than others, it would be fair to say that I was not able to deal with it overly well. I spiralled. I lashed out at those who cared about me and I did things, things I would never be able to forgive myself for. At least this was a way to put those memories behind me and move on to whatever is next. I just hope it doesn't hurt. It shouldn't, it will be quick, fleeting, over before I know it. I wasn't counting on how long the fall would seem, how many thoughts and memories I would be able to squeeze in to such a short space of time. 

Before I could experience that though, I actually needed to jump. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it instantly, if at all. There was every chance that I would step down from the edge without even going through with it. I was determined not to let that happen though, even if I ended up standing here for an hour, I was going to do it, there was no turning back now.

Feeling the chilled springtime breeze against my face, I once again looked out to the distance, the brightness of the mid-morning sun starting to make it difficult to see as far as I would like. I thought of Olivia, of how she would have felt about what am I about to do. She would have known that I wouldn't cope well without her, but then she was irreplaceable, one of a few things in life that would make me happy, even when everything else was bringing me down. It's not just me that's lost without her, it's not just Dana, in my eyes the world is less for not having her in it.
When she passed, I tried to stay strong. I had Dana to think about, she needed me and I couldn't let her down, I really tried not to. But I did. I allowed myself to spiral, to turn to alcohol and to close myself off from everyone that cared for me. I just hope she's young enough for those memories to fade away, to be replaced by happier ones that I pray her future will bring. She deserves that. She's a smart kid, always has been, she definitely got that from her mother rather than me, same too with her wit and attitude to life. Olivia's influence has definitely shaped her into someone I'm proud to call a daughter. I of course helped to shape her into someone with impeccable taste in TV and movies, but of the two, I'd say it was her that had the most important effect. I'll always be grateful for that. 

I'd stood here thinking for long enough, If I didn't do it now then I never would. Do I look down first? Do I close my eyes? Do I keep an eye on the view for as long as I possibly could, until it vanished from my eye sight? I surprised myself by deciding to look down, to see the ground rushing towards me. I'd always thought I would be an eyes shut kind of guy when it came to something like this. I took a deep breath and threw my body forward. The loss of control was overwhelming, knowing there was nothing I could do to pull myself back from the edge gave me a brief yet crippling fear, a worry that I had made a huge mistake. Still, nothing could be done now. The fall itself only lasted seconds but time for me froze, thoughts speeding through my mind at an uncontrollable rate. It was done, no turning back, those rocks in that river were hurtling towards me. The fear subsided and I suddenly felt content, happy in the choice I had made, and for the first time in a long while, I felt hope. Honestly, I wasn't sure that was ever a feeling I would experience again.