Pay attention

The Girl Behind The Smile

Hello, my name is Sam. I'm a sophomore in college this year. This year started off pretty good, I guess. I finally met a guy isn't that great?? You can say that's a plus for this year. Even though all I want to do is stay in a corner and hide for eternity, I just can't. I can't show him how depressed I am even when he makes me truly happy. Or is that just a cover up? I don't even know any more. I really like him but at the same time I'm still deeply hurt. These scars I've been hiding he will soon find. All my thoughts will soon burst out. I can't let that happen. What will he think of me? Some crazy psycho? I can't even bring myself to tell him how much I am hurting, he will leave me and I don't want to lose him. He's the one that keeps me going every single day and I can't lose that hope of hoping that some day I will get better, that this will all end soon and that he's the cure.

I guess it's hard when you cry yourself to sleep each night hoping he doesn't leave and if he really does care for you.

I'm being silly right? He...he cares right?

"Leave them all behind, you will be better off" I heard a voice say to me.

"What...what do you mean?" I said out loud looking down at the razor in my hand.

"One DEEP cut and it will all be over with. Come on just do it. No one cares about you, you're pathetic" the voice was deep, it kept getting louder and louder and repeating "do it".

I sat in the corner of my bedroom crying staring down at the sharp, new clean razor. It's...so shiny. I looked over at my trashcan full of old, razors stained with blood.

*knock knock*

I snapped back into reality and hid the razor in my dresser side drawer. "U-Um who is it??" I called out scrambling up to my feet and wiping the tears away.

"It's me!" I heard my best friend Charlie say from the other side of my bedroom door. Me and Charlie grew up together, when she moved I moved. We never left each other's side until we both went to college. We grew further apart but you can say we're still pretty good friends. I mean, what kind of friend am I? I didn't even tell her how much I'm hurting. Why would I? I don't want to make her upset by what I'm doing. So...let's just keep it a secret for now.

"Charlie...right now is not a good time" I say opening the door as she pushes me out of the way finding her way over to my bed. "What do you mean Sammy? You don't have time for mwah anymore?" She replied.

"No it's not that. It's just...I have a lot of homework to do and...and I'm not feeling the greatest" I say faking a cough hoping she would leave.

"Oh my dear gracious, my best friend is sick" she says coming over to feel my forehead. "Don't worry momma Charlie will take good care of you."

"Charlie you're only a month older than me." I say rolling my eyes. "Sammmmmmmmy~"

I closed my eyes tightly knowing what the voice wants me to do. "Sammy?" I quickly jolt open my eyes looking at a concerned Charlie, "are you ok?"

"Oh um yeah...I'm fine. I just want to be left alone right now. Is that ok? I'll text you later though."

"Oh..yeah I guess that's fine." She said smiling gathering her purse that she threw on the ground, and headed out the door. "Bye Sammy! Feel better soon!"

"Thank you" I replied with a smile. Once she left I closed the door and rushed over to my dresser drawer to take the blade out. "Is it worth it...? What about Charlie? What about Ryan?"

"You will feel better. I promise. No one will never have to know~" the voice whispered in my ear sending shivers down my spine.

"I guess one more wont hurt" I said as I inched the blade closer and closer to my skin, finally making contact and dragged it down until all I felt was numbness again.

Pain. That's my drug. That's my escape, just watching the blood run down my arm. It feels....nice.

I'm calmed down some just sitting there staring off into space, a whisper escaped my lips "please help me."