The Vows of Distance

Chapter 1

I watch you everyday baby. The more I want to spend time with you, the more you pull away from me. why don't you want me like you used too? I know your tired of me, I feel it every day. I'd do anything to make you happy, I swear. But I can't seem to figure it out. I can't seem to make you happy, baby...why?

"I got you now. That's the stuff that I did to get you. It makes no sense to do it now that I already have you, does it?"

I didn't know what to say. I was stuck. I wanted to be a prize to cherish always and forever; not something you hang up because it looks pretty. Look at me, baby. Love me, baby. Do me like I do you. I would do anything to make you smile, make you laugh. I would do anything for you to kiss me, be romantic to me, treat me like your wife.

Taking my silence as a hint of victory, he says, "Look, I'm bout to run to the store. You need anything?"

Hurt, I shake my head.

He grunts. "You need to do something with that attitude! It's not pretty! Then you wonder why I don't want to spend time with you."

I bite down on my lip, careful not to let a tear out although I felt them on the corners of my eyes.

He heads to the front door and calls up the stairs. "Bella! You wana ride with me?" He calls to his niece. She's eighteen and repeating her senior year in alternative school again to graduate.

Things have changed this year. We've moved, worked together, didn't work together. Fought, had guests, fought again, distanced, family, bills, and life. Everyone gets my husband's time but me. I didn't know what to do anymore. His niece has all my time with him. I feel miserable. Like everything I want to talk to my husband about, show him, do with him, I can't. I watch them sometimes, when I'm sitting in car and listening to music, how he will talk to her. Like a child. It makes me feel insecure about not being able to have any kids.

Baby, whenever you tell me it's not you, it's me that can't get pregnant, I know. Trust me, I know, baby. It's always been a sore spot. But do you know how much it hurts being reminded of it every second? But even after if we have a baby, would you go back to loving me like you did when you first met me? Or would you avoid me every second until we go to bed and sleep takes over? We used to stay up talking. We used to stay up enjoying each other. Can you not enjoy my company anymore?

And even now, when I sit in this car, writing this, I watch how happy you are without me. I came here to chill with you, and you go inside. But when I come inside, you're going outside.

It's me, I know baby. It hurts me so much, though. How do I stop it from hurting?

I'm not your wife, your companion anymore. You make the choices baby. You make the decisions for everything. Your niece has taken my time, my place in our home. You would talk to her over me. I don't know anything because I am not in the loop. I hurt baby, bad. You defend her, before you would ever defend me. You've never defended me...why? Maybe I'm messed up. Maybe I don't know what a wife is?

I just want you to know, baby. Your wife is still here, whenever you need me, I will still be here.