Letters to My Future Self

When things fall apart - Open 11/28/20

I don't even know what to do at this point. Everything isn't turning out how it should. Maybe that's what's planned. Maybe it's destined for me to go through this struggle to be more appreciative. I guess that's life. I guess this is one of my low times. Nothing seems fun like it used to. I've become a Zombie to time. As the clock ticks, I ponder about my future. I have a lot going on right now and I don't know what to do about it all. Hopefully it gets better. Im sure you would know, wouldn't you? 

I like her and she feels mutual but I don't know what to do. She's so beautiful and has the best personality. I'm just afraid of fear and messing everything up, but what's new? I don't want to hurt her like I did with my last lover. I don't want to let her down. I want her to feel loved. I want to love her, but I'm afraid. Im afraid of failing and that's what's holding me back. Whatever is inside me, needs to come out in full force one day, and maybe that will be when I'm truly happy. Not hiding behind the impenetrable wall of fear that is blocking my way. I want to love her. I want to love her.  I want to love her, but fear is getting the best of me. That's why I can't pull the trigger. I want to love her without holding anything back. I'm not in it for the sex. I want someone to cuddle. I want someone to kiss. I want some one to love. She's the one, and you know that don't you? I hope you have figured this out by the time you open this. It's important. Love is more important than any stupid job that you can have. Love is what keeps you happy, and maybe that's why I'm not happy.

I'm sorry to my past lover. I'm sorry I let her down. I'm sorry I went by word of mouth instead of listening to her side of the story. Words and envy just got the best of me, and I'm regretful for that. I knew you didn't do those things, but I was just confused. Confused with myself and not her in any way. I guess I should have listened to my soul. Maybe you did do the correct choice, maybe you didn't. You'll never know. You'll never know what could have been, but maybe that's a good thing. Maybe she wasn't good for you. Maybe you two weren't meant to be and that's totally fine. Maybe she was just an introduction to who you love now. Maybe she was a blessing in disguise. I know she hurt you. I definitely still feel it in my heart. It's a longing for her again, but we can't go back. Our heart is with someone else, but I can't decide at this point. Just promise me please. Be friends with her. Don't let what happened in the past push her away. She has a good heart deep down, and you've even seen it. Just promise me this as well. Tell the person we love before it's too late. Don't let procrastination get the best of us. We need to tell her we love her, because I know we do. We've been in love with her ever since you spent your whole Sophomore homecoming night talking to her about her life. You love her. I know you do. Tell her before it is too late, ok? We can't let her go. She is too wonderful to let her go. She is to beautiful to let her go. She is who you love and you don't let your lovers go. 

Don't worry about the future or the past. Focus on what's happening now. Trust me. I know that neither looking to the future nor the past help with anything. Doing this is what has influenced me to become depressed. I know that's what is doing it. I'm looking to far ahead, when all you have to do to be happy is to live in the moment. I just have to say this. Live in the moment, live in the moment, and live in the moment. Those are my advice to you. Don't let the past hold you down forever either. Yeah, you will make your mistakes, but who cares. Things happen. Things happen for a reason. Things happen to show you the inner beauty of a moment. 

Depression is the one true enemy. It beats you down further, further, further, and even further until you don't want to crawl out of the pit of despair that you are in. Let me ask you this. Are you truly happy with yourself? Are you hiding anything that you don't want to hide but feel obligated to? I know you are. I know you are because I do. I hide my feelings. I hide my thoughts. I hide my opinions. I hide myself. This isn't the way to live. You want to be free. You want to live. You don't want to be held down by these constraints. These constraints of depression. You know that it hurts. It all hurts. It all hurts. You hear it all the time, I know. Men don't get depression. Men don't have feelings. Stop being so feminine. Just be you. Who cares. Being you is what gets rid of this illness. Liberation is key. Liberation is what sets your mind free. Once your mind is free, you can do anything. I know you can do it. I believe in you. I believe in you. I know you don't hear that very often. I believe in you. I believe in you. You can do anything.