Letters to My Future Self

For Better and For Worse - Open 1/28/21

So. I guess we're stuck. We don't know what's happening. We have the car but it just didn't do what we thought. We still a stuck and we can't get out.

Things at home are better. Mom isn't as bad and neither is dad. Both still can't stand each other and they take it out on you even thought it's not your fault. We understand. You understand how tired and broken they both are from the toughness of life. We get it. We know. Mom isn't working two jobs anymore. Dad is still working just as much. I doubt that he's in debt like he says. How could he afford all of the things he does if he is in debt? This is why we don't like him. He's so selfish that he can't even pay for our car to be fixed when we were stranded on the side of the road. He doesn't care nor will he ever. He never has. He's absent. He's just there to call us his son. He's not there when you want, just when he does. This is why we don't trust him. This is why we are the way we are.

School is getting better. Things aren't as awkward as they were when it ended. We don't really say hi to anyone anymore. I don't know why. We've just drifted from everyone and everything we know. We've changed but it isn't for the better. We've changed for the worse which is what I'm trying to change. I want to change for the better and I'm working on it. We're working on it. Grades are good but it's just the start of the semester. Spanish is actually going amazing. I'm starting to see the beauty in language. Learning how to speak with someone in their native tongue is the most beautiful thing. I hope we continue. I don't expect you to take AP but I just want us to continue it. We are really good at speaking, we just have to find it. We just submitted our poster for the play and I hope we win. Ours relates so well and I put emotion into it. If it doesn't, oh well, it isn't the worst that has happened.

He's just not there for you. You aren't friends. I know you are trying. I know the others are saying no because he's to dramatic and that he brings you down. I don't know. He acts normal and then it's like a switch flips and he goes crazy. I don't understand. How can someone do that? I guess we do, but in our minds where no one sees it. He's toxic. He doesn't help yet he does. He is here for you. He wants to help and he's trying to get better just like us. He's gone through a lot. Suicide. Depression. Just like us, he's broken and needs healing. Maybe that's why he's toxic. He's trying to feed off of other's happiness so he can get better. He's trying to feed off of our happiness. He's trying to steal ours. We need it. Now that may sound selfish but we do. We are further broken then he is. He hasn't had it as bad as we had. We've been through heartbreak after heartbreak and we need it. We need him to go.

I know we broke up with her. We ended it all for some stupid gossip. We could have been everything, yet we weren't everything. We loved her. We cry all the time because we miss her sweet voice. We can't dwell on her forever. It has gotten better without her. It's better. Every now and then we thing about her but it's not as often. We need to move on. We need to get a grip and realize that it's over. We need to know it's gone. All the love is gone. You know that. I'm sure you have the "love of your life" right now. I'm really jealous. I know she's beautiful, smart, and bad at the same time. We go for the bad ones. We go for the ones who are hard to get. She was one of them. She brought out the worst in us yet the best of us.

She's taken now. We liked her and still do. She liked us. Why did you let that go. You could have gotten over our ex if you went with her. She's beautiful. You know she's only in it to have a relationship though. It's not real love. It's just another shitty high school relationship. It's just another heart that can be broken. We can't do this. We need to find the one. We need to get the one who loves us for who we are and not how we look. We need the one. We need her.

They are so supportive. Since the beginning they have been. You are constantly making new ones. They are there for you, so spend your time with them. They want to be around you. Your friends are who you are. They are great and all but they don't seem to be in your life too often. They seem to be distant and I don't know who's fault that is. It's probably ours. We never go out anymore. We stay inside and do nothing. We waste our lives away. We waste it all for nothing. We need them and they need us.

I've learned that winter is shitty and beautify at the same time. It's such a depressing season full of bitter cold and sadness. There are times when you just lay there and think. What could have been if? What could we have had together? Winter has made you sad for too long. Yes, you love the snow because of it's beauty but that's about it. The sadness overpowers it. It overpowers your brain. You think about feelings and thoughts that would never come up in the summer. We think about dark thinks. We aren't mentally there during the winter. Our brains are full and can't think right. The cold air shuts us down. The cold air kills our vibe. The cold kills us.

It's always there. Deep in our brain. The never ending thought of "what if". It's always there. Pecking away and drilling at your brain until you can't handle it. Sometimes you want to scream. Sometimes you want to cry. Sometimes you just want to sit in silence. Our anxiety kills us. It drags us down. It tells us that we aren't good enough. It tells us that we could have done better. It's our brains way of telling us to work harder even though we physically can't. That's why it's so bad. You are trying and trying and never getting to where you want to be. Sometimes it comes in slowly and sometimes it attacks. The attacks are the worst. You have to deal with your heart sinking and your brain hyperventilating. It shuts you down. It puts you in a deep put and expects you to get out. You try to get out but it doesn't get better. The pills don't help. The therapists don't help. The overthinking doesn't help. It all seems to be too much. It seems like we can't handle it at some points. There is one thing that has helped it. Music is the way that we cope. The way that people share their pain. The way they sing away their fears. The way they let it all out. It helps calm us down. We experience their pain. We heal from it. The beat. The lyrics. The instruments. We listen to all of it. It puts our brain back into its rhythm. It helps us heal, but it's not forever. It only lasts a short time and then we are back to our regular old ways again. We start thinking and thinking and thinking again. The gears start grinding and breaking. The mental beat downs begin again. They come back, but they seem to be weak. They seem to affect us less. They seem to be going away and then it hits again. Another attack. Another blow and it's back. It's back and it's hurting us again. We start to not feel good enough again. We start to scared of the future again. We get scared of the unknown. It's like a dagger to the heart. It comes and beats and stabs us and then leaves until the next time it feels like coming back. It's so unexpected. It's a disease that we feel like we can't get rid of. It feels like a curse. It feels like a bad dream. If there was an easy way out of this, we would take it. We would trade anything over anxiety every day of our lives. We don't think we are getting better. We don't think we are progressing. We don't think anything good of ourselves, but that's the trick of anxiety. It tries to hide how accomplished you are becoming. We are getting over this. We are getting better. The attacks are getting better. They aren't as bad but they still hurt. We are getting better yet we don't realize it because the anxiety is still dragging us down. We just have to take a minute and think to ourselves. We are getting better. We are fighting this. We are getting over this. The moment we are free from the grasp of anxiety as a whole, is the moment we are free. Our heart and brain aren't trapped. We are free and that's the best feeling in he world. We are free.

I want you to know that you can do this. We are strong. We've kicked life's ass before so why can't we do it a second time. I know it hurts now. Trust me, things could be a lot worse for us. We've accomplished so much this year. We've done so many things. We've gone so many places. We are getting better. Just because we don't see progress doesn't mean there is none. We are getting over this. We are getting better. I just want you to know that you are loved and respected by so many people. Don't let the shitty people or the shitty days get you down. Those things pass. Life is precious and can't be given back once it's gone. Live your life. Make this summer your bitch. Fuck up the world kid.

iPhone 7 Plus.
1/28/17 - 11:41
Parker, Co