x and y {a Dear Evan Hansen one-shot collection}

walk on (Evan x Jared)

Preview: ❛It's not as if Jared doesn't pity Evan.

            Of course he does, in his own way.❜

(Fic request by Zeldonyx_Hangie_Skypotter on Archive of Our Own: "can you make a kleinsen (Evan x Jared) one please? you can do literately anything as long as its kleinsen! thanks!"

<><><>

It's not as if Jared doesn't pity Evan.

Of course he does, in his own way.

Not as if he'd ever dare to tell Evan that. Sentiment, emotions and everything in between those is something that Jared steers far away from. It's messy. It's overly complicated. It's...too intimate. And frankly, it's just not something he's interested in.

So he quips remarks as he listens to Evan's story about falling out of the tree, although Jared subconsciously wonders if that's the full story. He's known Evan long enough to sense when he's wrapping something with gauzy words of pretended reassurance and facts.

When Evan asks Jared to sign his cast and Jared refuses, he doesn't mean for his words to be so blunt. As soon as they're spoken, he sees the flash of dismay in Evan's eyes and immediately Jared regrets his word choice. He almost acquiesces and signs it, when Connor approaches and the conversation takes a sharp turn away from Jared.

After leaving Evan and Connor standing there, Connor's gaunt face pierced with agitation after Jared's comment about his hair, Jared glances over his shoulder back at Evan.

-

And ever since then, it is all headed straight to hell.

Everything. Evan, the Connor Project, the Murphy's and himself.

It's more than a crushing blow to watch his only friend suddenly morph into something so unlike himself. Evan's quiet and soft spoken manner turns into swearing, outbursts, things that Jared is a total stranger to.

And for the first time, Jared permits himself to feel pity for Evan. Being third party to the entire teetering rise to the Connor Project, Jared questions why he even let himself be a part of this.

That's because you were lonely, a voice in the back of his mind reminds himself.

Shut up.

You were lonely and Evan wanted help and you didn't want to turn him down.

SHUT UP!

He doesn't know how long Evan can hold up the façade; it's shaking, it's Evan starting to drown the middle of the ocean with nowhere to go and Jared is not unlike a person on the shore who doesn't know how to swim.

The tension, the slow burn of everything that will never last and never should is coalescing. Jared can practically hear the ticking in his head, the steady countdown before everything crashes down.

-

"I could tell everyone everything."

"Go ahead. Do it. Tell everyone how you helped write emails pretending to be a kid who killed himself."

Staring into Evan's eyes, any trace of friendliness, any trace of the Evan he thought that he knew so well is so heavily painted over with cold shades of crimson red anger and...fear.

They stand in Jared's bedroom, motionless for a long moment. Jared can't leave his own house to get away from Evan, no matter how much he wants to run away from everything; that would look as stupid as it would feel. So with his feet as grounded as a tree with roots deep into the Earth, he mutely looks at Evan with an emotion that he cannot find a source to.

This can't be the same Evan that he grew up with.

Not the one who he used to walk home with from school every single day.

What if I'm to blame? questions the irrepressible thought again. I was sarcastic and didn't sign that damn cast and should have spoken up or done something...

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

That's always how it goes, once everything falls down. The questions, the shifting blame, the one question mark that presses against the mind; what if I'm to blame?

All Jared can do is spit out a sharp expletive, conveying only half of how bitter he really feels.

Evan flinches and for a moment, he sees the warmth that Evan's eyes had previously been so empty of.

Evan turns and leaves Jared.

-

The aftermath is when the forgotten pieces get picked off of the ground and looked at again.

Their best, forgotten memories together are what Jared thinks about as the aftermath of the Connor Project washes over them like a tidal wave. It takes a while before he lets himself dwell on them; at first, all he can recall and hear is Evan's bitter words, his sharp edges. Eventually, more subdued memories seep in; Jared stops fighting them.

And he sees Evan's difference. Evan, the boy in three acts. The first was something broken. The second was something of a pretence, a masquerade. And the last, the last act is something steady, something built on a more stable foundation. Evan is no longer living in act one again, Jared notices, but a curious blend of all three.

Jared wonders if he plays a part in any one of these acts.

Evan wants to make amends but Jared is pleased to see that Evan is not going out of his way to impress Jared or beg for mercy. If Evan had, his fragile respect for Evan would have faltered entirely. But it's slow, it's subtle. It's glances and brief conversations and a quiet, mutual understanding that recovery will not and can not be rushed.

-

Jared and Evan walk home from school together again after four months of this.

The walk starts off quiet, only the crunching leaves beneath their feet and the occasional engine of a car that passes by them on the road. Jared listens to Evan's sneakers hit the pavement, one after the other and listens to the pattern that they form.

Finally, the silence breaks as they reach their familiar point between their own streets where they have to diverge from each other.

"Jared, I would apologise but that won't be enough now or ever." It's blunt but it's softly said.

Had he said this to Jared even a month ago, perhaps he would have snapped back in contempt, let his pent up anger over the situation spill over like an overflowing sink. This time, however, he listens to Evan speak and as he does, Jared realises just how much older they've become this year. So, so much is different now. Looking at Evan closely, for the first time he does not see the pathetic little boy who gets knocked over in the sandbox, but rather someone on the cusp of the entirely new territory of adulthood and independence. It's a shock to Jared to see this and he wonders if he looks different too.

This year has changed so much.

"Oh, one of these days everyone will move on," Jared says with levity, aiming for something more offhanded and casual, "It'll be like nothing ever happened."

"I doubt that."

"Hey, I'm still only talking to you because of car insurance. That hasn't changed."

And this time, Evan laughs because if these past months have taught him anything, it's how to read between the lines and listen for the unspoken. Adjusting his backpack on his shoulder, Evan's lips drift upwards into a fraction of a smile. "See you tomorrow, Jared."

"Sure. Tomorrow, Evan."

<><><>