The tour has finished about a week ago and they were now in the midst of their break. Had time for themselves for a whole two weeks longer. Time he usually enjoyed and used to get his reload his batteries. But this time it was different. He just couldn't relax and he didn't even know why. He had everything he wished for after all. Should be happy... But no matter what he did his mind just wouldn't stop working. Thinking about his friends, their shows but most of all about his boyfriend. That man, who right now stood right behind him and held him in his arms. He felt good to be held although he was slightly taller. He liked that he didn't have to be the strong one all the time when he was with Dec.
For a while now, they were standing there, both in thoughts, without the silence being awkward. It all went fast. Although, it wasn't that fast if you think about it. They knew each other for over 20 years after all. But what happened the last few weeks, was more than he ever thought possible. He got to know his best friend and himself, in a way he did never even contemplate. It was clear to the both of them that their feelings for each other reached deeper than just friendship but surely not to the extent it was now. That came as a massive shock. Not only the jealousy, but the intensity, the wish for closeness. Never before had he felt like this for another person and that was what worries him.
What if his friend realized, that it wasn't actually what he wanted? What, if this closeness, they built up only worked on tour?
"Ant?" He felt warm breath on his ear.
"Hmm?" Leaning even closer against the smaller body, taking in the safety coming from Dec
"What's up? Your mind is working that hard, I can almost hear your thoughts." Dec's nose stroked across the skin behind Ant's ear.
"Everything okay, Dec." He whispered, still looking out of the window. Declan strengthened his hold even more and Ant put his hands on top of his friend's.
"Sure?" Again he felt the warm breath and a light kiss on his neck. Worry was heard and made him gulp.
How could he put into words, what went through his mind at the moment? He didn't know. The last week on tour was that intensive. The both of them, 24 hours together. He missed that and his reaction to it worried him. He wanted Dec around him all the time again, touch him, kiss him or just be in his arms. Never had Ant thought that it would be like this, especially the tenderness between them. It didn't matter if it was while they were kissing or when he was in Dec's arms at night, finding peace and safety, or if it was like right now.
He expected that it would be a lot rougher. After all they were both men.
Maybe that was a reason to hope that Dec felt the same. That desire, passion and togetherness wasn't the only thing holding them together. Maybe his deep love for the smaller man was reciprocated?
He was here now, wasn't he? Sure they didn't see each other for most of the week. Both had other commitments, which was completely normal for their circumstances. At least that was how it used to be before the tour. Now everything seemed so different.
Did Dec see it the same way? Had he missed him just as much? A slight trembling took over his body and he cursed himself for it. Could it get any more obvious?
"Shhh..." Fingers caressed over his tummy, lips wandered across his neck; it was almost too much. "...Talk to me, Anth. As much as I can usually read you thoughts, this here, us, that is just as new for me as it is for you."
His eyes started to burn at Dec's words.
"I missed you." He finally said. His voice only a whisper.
"Me too. You won't believe how much. Last week was... I don't know... as if a part of me was missing." Dec's right hand was now on his chest and pulling him even closer.
"I want that closeness we had during the tour, Anth. No excuses, no accusations. Just you and I.
"Declan..." The fingers of his left hand wrapped themselves across Dec's right, squeezing it slightly. He'll tell him. Speak out loud what he had felt for so long.
"Not yet, Anthony. Let me finish first."
Ant nodded his cheeks leaning against Dec's.
"We waisted so much time; time we'll never get back. I don't want to waist anymore. I want our friends and family to know about us, so we can be ourselves. I don't want to hide, not in front of them. And I know you feel the same way. They will understand, always have and if I'm honest, it wouldn't surprise me if they already suspect it."
The undertone swinging in his voice made Ant shiver. Could it be?
"What are you telling me with this?" He asked, barely daring to actually pronounce the question.
"Do you still not understand?" Dec asked pressing a slight kiss to his cheeks, their hands entwining in front of Ant's stomach. Immediately he felt the squeeze of his hand and he understood. Without words, without speaking it out loud, they had just confessed it to each other. He loved Dec and always will. Only with him he felt complete and safe but most importantly he knew that his little one felt exactly the same. He knew now that Dec loved him too.
