Random Things and Me in Between

chicken nuggets: A

Hey. I hate seeing you like this.

Hearing you say that you feel like this, on multiple occasions, honestly hurts me a lot. I never knew you felt like this. You're always loud and carefree that I didn't notice you felt like this. And I hate that you had to tell me in order for me to know. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry because I believe that I'm one of the reasons as to why you feel like this. I'm such a shit friend. I push you away sometimes. I don't always listen to you because I think that what you say isn't important. I sometimes think what you say is stupid and criticize you for it. I honestly think that you're loud and carefree and don't have a problem in the world, which is so stupid of me to assume.  I'm supposed to care for you since you're the youngest in our friend group and I guess I'm fucking that up. I'm supposed to be a good friend, a good older sister to you. We've been together since Kindergarten and I'm supposed to be a sister figure to you. But I guess I'm fucking that up too. And I'm sorry.

But I won't say that I don't notice how trapped and lost you look sometimes. How hurt you look sometimes. What I'm going to say is what I wanted to tell you then but I didn't have the guts to do it: They're just jealous and have nothing better to do. Yes, that sounds so negative but honestly, they are. Let me remind you: You are beautiful. You really are. And they say those hurtful things to you because they're jealous and they can't stick their noses up their own asses and they feel the need to be better than everyone else. So don't feel pathetic. Cuz' in all honesty, you're better than them. I hope you don't end up like them.

I know what it feels like to be anxious and paranoid about every single thing you do. To be scared of every little thing you do because you don't want to screw up and lose anyone. To feel so suffocated in a huge group of people, like you can't find a way out. To feel like you want to throw up so badly but it refuses your body just restricts you from having that relief. To feel like you can't breathe and you're just stuck in the eye of a hurricane. To feel like the whole world is against you and you just want to run and hide but there's nowhere to go. To feel like you're trapped and scared. I know exactly how that feels.

And I know that you just want that feeling to end and be done with you. I know you think that you're sick and that there's something terribly wrong with you. 

But you're wrong. There's nothing wrong with you. And please, please, please hang on. I know it's hard but you just have to. Please. I know it's hard but you'll be okay. You can talk to me. Please talk to me. I've experienced and am still experiencing everything you're going through. But I promise that once in a while, that feeling fades. It'll be replaced by smiles and laughs and you'll feel warm. You'll be able to breathe. Yes, it keeps returning but you'll be strong. Strong enough to flip that feeling off. You'll feel weak and helpless but that's a step closer to becoming stronger. 

You're not alone in this. And I'm not just saying this because that's what everyone says. I'm saying because you're not. I'll fight by your side through all of this. We'll suffer and go through this together. We may never reach the stars but we're one step closer to resurfacing above the ocean. 

Get some rest. A hug is waiting for you tomorrow.

-hikari

12/6/17