There's No Mathematics To Love And Loss

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The word pregnant echoed around his brain, usually so fathomable, adjective: having a child or young developing in the uterus, but in this context, completely incomprehensible. It didn't make sense, Mike couldn't be pregnant. Fear and confusion flooded through him, blood roaring through his ears as his heart pounded violently in his chest. It wasn't right, pregnant meant with child. Pregnant meant having a child with someone else. Harvey.
The doctor had a bowl ready and waiting before it even registered in Mike's brain that he was going to be sick. He couldn't tell Harvey, his body physically revolted at the thought.
He was brought back from his thoughts by the sound of the doctor speaking once again, "We're going to need to keep you here overnight, perhaps even a few days. You're severely dehydrated and your blood work isn't the best. We need to make sure you and the baby are both healthy."
You and the baby.
Mike could feel his breathing escalate, the beginnings of what he assumed to be panic taking over his body. His heart was pounding and tears were prickling in his eyes; in that moment all he wanted was Harvey beside him and he could almost feel his heart breaking at the realisation that he would never have that.
*****
'Overnight' somehow turned into the rest of the week and Mike ended up not returning to the office until the following Monday. He received a call from Donna, a call that Mike had ignored and responded to only with a text stating he was on medical leave and wouldn't be back in the office until he was deemed fit by the doctor. He emailed Jessica, requesting the leave, bypassing Harvey completely. He knew that Donna would fill him in and that the older man wouldn't actually care either way, so he didn't bother with personal correspondence. He was sure if Donna didn't mention it then Harvey wouldn't even notice he was missing.
It felt surreal returning to the office. Mike was incredibly self-conscious, paranoid that people were watching him and would be able to look at him and just know. Mike was used to paranoia, he was used to worrying about people potentially finding out his secrets, but this was different, this somehow felt more important to hide than the fact that he's a fraud. During the time he'd spent in the hospital Mike had, on more than one occasion, found himself unconsciously holding his stomach, his hands gently caressing the still-smooth skin, in awe of the fact that he had a tiny human growing inside of him. Being back at the office Mike knew he had to stop that behaviour, that he worked around enough perceptive people that the action wouldn't go unnoticed and he was desperate to keep this secret to himself.
He was wandering down the hall towards his cubicle when he saw Harvey approaching. Mike's heart pounded in his chest and his stomach flipped in anticipation. He knew that too much time spent with the other man would result in Harvey figuring out what was going on. He was surprised when Harvey slowly to a stop in front of him and smiled gently, all traces of his usual snark absent.
"How are you feeling?"
"Do you really care?" Mike didn't want to fight, he'd resented the way their relationship had devolved over the previous few weeks, but he still couldn't stop himself from snapping. Harvey hadn't contacted him in days, he hadn't once tried to find out what was wrong and Mike's heart hurt with the knowledge that he's carrying Harvey's child and Harvey just really didn't care about him.
"Mike." Harvey's voice stayed soft as he glanced around, conscious of the attention they were attracting, "How about we do this in my office?"
Mike ignored him but grudgingly made his way to the older man's office.
He heard Harvey shut the door behind him but refused to face the other man, "What, Harvey?"
"I asked if you're okay."
"You haven't cared for weeks, why suddenly ask now?"
"Donna told me you were in the hospital."
"Nice of you to come visit."
"I didn't think I'd be welcome." Harvey moved to stand before him and Mike could almost feel the older man's body heat. Mike's mind immediately flashed back to the nights they had spent together and Harvey's presence was almost intoxicating after too long apart.
The desire to kiss him was so strong Mike had to move, walking over to the sofa and collapsing into the soft leather, "You would have been. You always would be."
Harvey stared at him quietly for a few moments before he moved to join him on the couch, "I'm sorry for how I acted. You didn't deserve that."
"Don't apologise." Harvey looked ready to protest but locked eyes with Mike, reading the plea in Mike's eyes; he didn't want the pity or the apologies, he didn't want to talk about it any longer. Harvey nodded his assent and leaned closer against Mike's side, his body heat permeating Mike's already overheated skin.
"I just thought you knew me. I thought you got that I don't want any of that."
The most vague sentence in the history of language, Mike's sure of it, but he understood it completely nonetheless.
"I said it's okay. I meant it." Mike smiled at Harvey and leant in closer to the older man's body, thankful for the proximity after the hellish few days he'd had in the hospital, almost going out of his mind while trying to figure out what the hell he was supposed to do. He knew that he shouldn't find comfort it Harvey, that the other man was the root of, or at least contributed to, all of his problems, but he couldn't quite bring himself to pull away. Never let it be said that Mike Ross isn't a masochist, because he sure as hell has a habit of doing precisely the worst thing for himself.