SOBER THOUGHTS

one

"sweetheart?" his soft voice called.

"here, sweetie," i let out from behind the couch. i excuse myself from barbara, walking towards austin and plopping right next to him on the couch.

"you needed me?" i ask sweetly, hoping his answer is yes and that it would always be yes.

"when don't i?" he mumbled, his cold hand on my cheek as he caressed my skin. he leaned in, his cold lips press against mine as the smell of vodka and smoke wander into my mouth. i kiss back almost immediately, not wanting for him to for one second feel as if he disgusted me.

because he didn't. he never will.

"let's get out of here, shall we?" he pleaded against my lips, standing up and dragging me by the hand against the small crowd in the house. he waved to some of his friends, letting them know he was leaving. letting them know he would be leaving with me. it seemed as if he felt pride to be with me. he didn't care about people knowing we would be together. he trusts his friends and he loves to be around them, yet when one of his friends looks at me for a little too long for his liking, he stares at them with the world's most dangerous look.

he never did learn how to keep quiet or how to act unbothered. he liked for people to know exactly how he felt. how ironic considering he never lets me know what we are. if this chemistry that we have is even remotely real or is this all in my head?

once we reached the front of the house, he turned to face me, squeezing my hand.

"yes? is everything okay?" a hint of desperation in my voice. i never learned how to be patient. i worried easily.

"you're so pretty," he breathed out, moving some of my hair away from my face, making sure he could see every detail of my pale features.

i smiled, my worries escaping me in the matter of a second, "you've told me."

"and i'll never stop," he mumbled, his bright eyes stared straight into my dark ones.

"you're sweet, did you know that?" my chapped lips let out. i got closer to him, hoping he wouldn't notice the cold was getting to me.

"you've told me," he teased, raising a brow.

"and i'll never stop," i chuckled.

austin took my hand and walked towards the gate, leaning against it silently. i did the same. we looked at the house, watching the people inside drink away. all we did was stare, letting time go by with no care in the world. i was suddenly warm. he brought me warmth. i looked up at him, his eyes darkened as he looked at his friends inside.

"i need a drink."

"okay," i murmured, watching him walk away from me, entering the house. he would never leave his friends. he could never let go of his love for partying.

i suppose i could not ask for him to do so. i met him at a party. he was drunk. he was sweet. that's how i met him and that's how i want it to be. i don't want to change him.

he disappeared, i could not spot him through the window anymore. i sighed, knowing he would probably stay inside and forget about me yet again. i walked towards the house, wanting to search for him. i didn't. i simply sat on the steps, trying not to think of him. but how could i do that? how could i stop? he seriously needs to teach me. he has forgotten about my existence before. he did it once after all. he drank, we went out and after a couple of hours, he became silent. different. ignoring me even. we had been at a diner and he told me that he didn't have much gas in his car and he couldn't take me home. i was okay with it until i found out he went back to the party we left. he didn't seem to care about me anymore at the diner place. if i would have returned to the party, i know for a fact he would have been with me though. that's just how he is with his parties. that's just how he is with me.

he felt at home once he reached a party. but his arms were my home even though he didn't care one bit about my safety or how i was doing.

"here," a raspy voice spoke beside me, bringing me back to the real world.

it was austin.

"i thought you forgot about me," i whispered, grabbing the bottle of beer and taking a sip as he did the same.

he laughed, "that's crazy."

"what is?" i furrowed my eyebrows. what was so funny about this?

"your thoughts," he shook his head, his arm wrapped around my neck as he downed his beer. "you're always in my mind. i would never forget about you, doll. i never could. that's impossible," he rolled his eyes, quickly pecking my lips.

i stared at the drunk mess in front of my eyes. those lips. those eyes. that awful smell of alcohol. "i know," i rest my head on his shoulder, feeling safe.

feeling loved as he was at the place he loved with friends, whom he loved. but i didn't care. i don't care. he's with me. i know he loves me too.