Talent...and what to do with it

Chapter 17: Jonah

I heard the gun and I sprang ahead, feeling myself cutting through the air. Something felt wrong though. Some change in the atmosphere made me slow up as I realised that only one other kid was running. There'd been a false start. Then I realised the official was calling me over. Me? I couldn't have false started. They were wrong.
I knew I started shouting, I probably swore a lot too. To be honest, when I get like that I have very little memory of it afterwards, I just feel white-hot fury. Anyway, apparently I 'approached an official in a menacing manner'. All I remember was being dragged away and dumped in the changing rooms and trying to punch a hole in a concrete wall.
I was calmer by the time Sir appeared – I didn't want to listen to him, but I was calmer. I had become aware of the noise of the crowd as the races continued. I had begun to shiver in the damp room and I was ready to pull the dripping tap out of the wall that was causing the steady plonk of water droplets. Like I say, I was calmer.
Sir stood in the doorway and stood watching me.
"What?" I bellowed at him.
He spoke quietly. "Nothing much. Just wondering what's given you this self-destruct button."
I could have answered a million different ways, but I chose the non-rational answer – "Self-destruct? Didn't you see that? I didn't false start. It was the other guy. It's obvious they've got it in for me."
He just stood there looking at me. Winding me up all over again. "They didn't get it wrong, Jonah. You did. It was a false start. No big deal. It happens. They start the race again. I've explained this in training before."
"So we race again?"
"You want to race again?" There was incredulity in his voice. "No. You won't get to run again. They are talking about chucking you out of the school league. They can deal with false starts. But they can't deal with kids who totally lose it and threaten them and look like they're going to kill all the officials and the runners and any one else who gets in their way." He sounded tired and disappointed. I knew how he felt. I don't think I'd had a proper night's sleep since Mum had been admitted to hospital. "Look, we both know you've got anger issues, but I thought you had it under control. Then you have one false start and your reaction is off the scale. What's going on?"
I shrugged. I couldn't tell him.
"The thing is sometimes they will get it wrong. They didn't today, for the record. It was clear it was you. But one day they will get it wrong. And you will just have to take it. Just have to man up and show them that you are in the right by smashing a record and winning. But as it stands now you are out for at least the next two meets, and more likely the season, which for you might as well be out for life."
"Good." I spat out the word. It was easier to be angry than face everything else. "If I'd known it was all these rules and regulations I'd never have signed up for it anyway."
His expression didn't change, "If you walk away from this now, it's your choice. But you have to realise that you are also walking away from school, and from any kind of future in athletics."
His threat meant nothing. Didn't he know that I couldn't think any further than tomorrow and definitely not into the murky world of adulthood?
When he spoke he sounded exasperated. "You just don't get it do you Jonah? You don't know how rare your talent is. I've worked with hundreds of kids and none of them have come close to having the kind of ability you have. You're giving up on something you are really good at, something you could be brilliant at. What's more, and whatever you may say, I know it's something that you love. I see how you come to life when you run. I've seen how you've kept your cool these past months when you've been training. I know how hard that must have been, in light of the stuff you used to be involved in. Do you really want to give up now? Do you want to give up on the winning?"
And he walked out. Left me there with the sound of that frigging dripping tap and my thoughts. He was right of course. I didn't want him to be, but he was. The only thing that had been keeping me going was the training and the racing. I had no family, no girlfriend, and now no competing. What was left?
It turned out the answer was in my makeshift room at Max's house. All I needed was Call of Duty. I played that game relentlessly for the next few days. I would have stayed there, too, if Max hadn't intervened and told me he'd call social services if I didn't train, go to school or turn up to the cleaning job he'd got me at his church. I felt like throwing it all back at him, and telling him to make that call. But I was still a coward. Mum was conscious more and more now and I was terrified of her being sent home. How could I cope with her? How could I face the merry-go-round of Mum pretending to get sober and then spectacularly falling off the wagon again?  And how would she cope if I were taken into care?
I met Max's conditions and dragged myself into school every day. But I just couldn't focus on anything Mrs Pollack said. I attempted the work but it was impossible to put any energy or thought into it. I could tell Mrs Pollack was disappointed. I had been starting to do well and I think she saw me as a project. She had been all set to transform the no hoper into at least someone with a couple of GCSEs. Her quiet disappointment cut worse than any of the balling outs I'd had in the past, but it still didn't lift me out of my lethargy.
I tried not to think about that night with Jess and that kiss. But I was haunted by it. I had been at Max's since that night of our date, so I hadn't had to get the bus again and I never saw her around school, but it wasn't as if I went looking for her. I don't know what I had been thinking when I thought I could go out with her. She would have probably heard about my crazy behaviour at the race by now. She didn't need a screw-up like me in her life bringing her down. I was grimly satisfied that at least she was better off without me.
I had a better idea why Mum got drunk now. If I could have found the energy to get off my ass I would have been down the offie, too. Getting smashed out of my mind appealed. Out of my mind. That's what I wanted. An escape from me. I wondered what Mum was escaping and if she even knew anymore. I wondered if I would ever get to find out.
I yawned and rippled my shoulders as I ploughed on through the game. It had been a long day doing stuff I didn't want to do. All I really wanted to do was sleep, but I preferred the distraction of Call of Duty to the echoes in my head. I sprawled on the ratty sofa bed and focused on killing the bad guys.
The door swung open. I knew it was Lauren without having to look. She never knocked. She wasn't acting like my friend anymore. More like the predator in one of these X-box games. She kept trying to come on to me and it was weird. For the millionth time I thought about moving back into Granddad's cold, empty house. But how would I afford to heat the place and how would I keep social care off my back?  It was better to put up with Lauren than to live entirely on my own with my dark thoughts.
Lauren hovered like a fly I wanted to swat. She slid next to me on the sofa and tried to give me a can of Coke, her long finger nails scratching my hand as she sought my attention. "I brought you a drink." I grunted and nodded at the table, not taking my hands of the controller or my eyes from the screen. I couldn't even be civil to her in case she took it for encouragement.
"What's your problem Jonah?" She sounded huffy, but everything was an act with Lauren these days.
"You used to be fun. Since you've come back...even before, you know, your mum being ill and stuff, you've been completely, like, boring."
I kept my eyes on the screen but couldn't help thinking back to the couple of years we lived together as kids. I wasn't all that fun then, just reckless like her. Both of us had something to prove and we did our best to be as crazy as two ten year olds could be. If I was boring now, I certainly didn't mind. "Sorry to disappoint," I growled.
I sensed the chameleon-like shift in her mood. I felt her press herself closer to me. I tried to move away.
"My theory is you're just way too uptight. You need to let out some of that tension." I jerked my head away as her hand stroked my shoulders. "You've been hanging around that weird, geeky virgin and you're wound up as tight as a spring."
She didn't notice the clenching of my jaw as she referred to Jess, or she would have had the sense to shut up and get out of there.
"I could help with that you know. I have one or two ideas that could, you know, help you calm down a bit." She was like a snake hissing in my ear. My stomach churned with revulsion. I threw the controller to one side and leapt up. "What are you talking about?"
Still she didn't get it, just smiled and poked her bony chest out. "Do you need me to spell it out?"
Suddenly my anger dissolved. I just felt sad and weary. What had happened to Lauren in the years I had been in Manchester? "Lauren, you are practically my sister. That's just gross and wrong."
She gave it one last try. "Yeah but sometimes what's so wrong, can feel so right. I know you didn't get any off Jessica Mulligan. So maybe we can help each other out."
I exhaled slowly. If she mentioned Jess again, I swear I wouldn't be responsible for my actions. "Lauren, let me spell this out for you." I know my voice sounded calm, but I was ready to explode. Lauren knew me well enough to know that. "You and me, like that, are never going to happen."
She still didn't have the sense to shut up.
"Who do you think you are Jonah Taylor? You go round like you're god's gift, but you're really not. And that girl you're moping about - she really isn't worth it."
"Do not bring Jess into this, Lauren." I roared at her.
"Or what? Actually, you've just done me a favour. You act like the big man, all tough and scary, but I know better. You've just reminded me of the scrawny little kid I knew, a little mummy's boy who was too chicken to shoplift for a dare. Now you're too chicken to be a real man and go for it with a girl. You say you don't want me, so who do you want? You're clearly too scared to go after the weirdo."
She flounced to the door. "You've just missed out on the best opportunity of your life. And I am not talking about Jessica-bloody-Mulligan."
I threw the controller at the door as she left. Wasn't there enough craziness in my life without Lauren's contribution? I fell back on the sofa and tried to pick up the game where I had left off, but I couldn't concentrate. So I gave up and mooched down to the hospital even though I knew it wasn't visiting hours and they wouldn't let me in.
"Nice to see you, Jonah." The nice Nigerian nurse recognised me hanging round the closed ward door and took pity, silently waving me into the ward.
Mum was looking as haggard as ever. But slowly her eyes flickered open and she gave a tiny smile, even though she hadn't turned to look at me. She tried to speak but no sound came out. Her fingers moved and I grabbed her hand. I bent my head down and sobbed. I think she tried to comfort me. I don't know. But weeks, maybe years, of despair flooded out of me, anger too. How could she have got to this state. How could she have done this to herself and risked leaving me all alone? How could I have not seen it? I said nothing, I just cried like a baby.
At some point she must have drifted off to sleep and I gradually calmed down. I couldn't leave without saying goodbye, so I sat and waited. And thought. I thought about the person Mum had wanted to be, what she had wanted for me and what I wanted to do with my life. The end of school was approaching. I knew I was never going to get a single exam, and I knew I had just one chance. So in that hour or two I made my mind up. I wasn't going to end up like Dad or Mum. I was going to fight for my one chance.
I didn't know who was more surprised to find me in Mr Jacobs' room the next day, him or me. He made me wait while he shuffled papers on his desk, testing to see if I'd keep my cool. He knew I hadn't been putting in the effort. He knew I was out of shape and that I had skipped competitions. Finally he sat back in his chair and looked at me. "What do you want, Jonah?"
So I told him that I wanted to qualify, that I knew I'd messed up but that I had a good reason and that I was ready to do what it took to make it. When he frowned, I launched into my explanation. I told him what I was ashamed to tell anyone. I told him that mum was an alcoholic and had collapsed and that it had thrown me out of kilter for a while.
He just nodded and waited. So I said the word that I never said, the one they always say is the hardest one. Sorry. It was like a magic key with Mr Davies. Suddenly that little word seemed to mean he took me seriously.
"I know about your mum. Lauren's father came to see the Head a few weeks ago. He told us he's your former stepfather and that he'd taken you in while your mum recuperated. I can understand that it's been a terrible time for you.
I don't think I answered. I was shocked Max had quietly done this. I wondered if he knew that it would mean social care would stay off my back.
Mr J gestured for me to sit down.
"The thing that's always worried me about you, Jonah, is not your ability to run, or your desire to win. You've got both those things in abundance. What worries me is your discipline. Yes, this is a terrible thing that has happened to you and your mother, but this should be shaping you into an even better competitor, not making you drop out at the first hurdle. Not making you lose your rag like that. You know that your podium potential has been slashed by your last performance. No one wants a teammate who can't keep his cool. If you really want to make a career of this, and believe me, you have the talent to do it, it's got to be so precious to you that you won't even consider throwing a tantrum when things don't go your way. It's got to become your lifeblood. The thing you do because you have no choice – a part of what makes you you. Not the thing you quit when times are hard."
I could feel the rage building. What did he know about it in his privileged little world? How dare he judge me? But then I started to really hear what he had said. Podium potential? Did he really think I had podium potential? I could be there with a medal round my neck. Me. The screwed up kid with the alcoholic mother. I slowly let my fists unclench and took a deep breath. I just pulled out my training book and shoved it across the desk at him. I saw his expression change as he read the times from this morning. Sure I'd skipped quite a few sessions but I could still do it. "Don't doubt I want this, Sir. I can do it. Look at those times. The hospital visiting hours aren't that handy for training and, yeah there's been some stuff going on that's made it hard to focus, but I am going to show you that I can get enough official times to qualify. I just need the chance to be in the squad again."
"Then you won't have to apologise to just me, but to the official from the other day. If he accepts your apology – and to be honest I would be surprised if he does, but if he does, I will give you one more chance. But if I do you will have to train harder than you are now. I need discipline and control from you, and the same rules apply – you study hard and you train hard. I don't want to hear anything of you missing training, losing your cool or having wild nights out. And you are going to more anger management classes. You're going to meet far bigger arseholes than me on the professional athletic circuit and you need to learn to keep a lid on it."
I blinked at his non-teacher-like language, but he just smiled and pushed a bit of paper across the table. "So here's the phone number for the official. He pushed his phone towards me. "You want to ring right now?" His eyes were questioning if I was too scared. So I did it. I had to listen to an earful, but in the end after speaking to Sir again, the guy agreed I could compete again. I was back on the team and suddenly I felt strangely lighter.
I think I was in shock when I walked out of there. I hadn't completely screwed up this time. My dream might still happen, maybe better than that even, maybe podium potential. Maybe I could get everything I wanted. No, I knew it was too late with Jess. I told myself again things had never gone smoothly between us. We just didn't understand each other. Remember the gig she left because she had believed Lauren rather than me. Remember the way she thought I'd only like her if she tarted herself up. Remember her coldness on the bus that day.
Remember the way she smiled and laughed. I sighed. I couldn't talk myself into being over her. I thought about the race on Saturday. I would focus on that alone.
Of course, just when I didn't want distractions there was Lauren waiting for me in the hallway as soon as I put my key in the lock of Max's front door.
"Lauren." I would acknowledge her but that was it. But her hand was on my arm.
"Wait Jonah, I need to talk to you."
"And I don't want to listen, Lauren."
"Jonah, I don't know why I was like that yesterday – well I kinda do, but that's another story. What I mean is, I want to explain."
I went to push past her but she stood her ground. I sighed and looked at her properly for the first time. She wasn't dressed up in her layers of make-up like usual, and it was a shock. She looked much, much younger. "Jonah, please listen to me, I'm sorry."
It must have been those words, hearing them from someone else who I knew found them as hard to say as I did. She had guts this girl, I had to give her that. Anyone else would be hiding after the way she behaved yesterday.
I shook my head. "I just don't get you Lauren. I don't know who you really are or what you want. My head is screwed enough already without having to deal with you messing with it."
"You're telling me. But I'm trying to explain. I was so excited when I heard you were back. I've missed you so much. I thought we'd get to hang out again, like old times."
I snorted. "Old times?"
"Yeah, old times, when we used to have a laugh and talk to each other and look out for each other."
"Don't give me that. The minute I got back here you were acting weird around me. You know that. Don't go telling me you want to go back to climbing trees and winding up the neighbours. We're not kids anymore." I looked her up and down and tried to look disgusted, but all I could feel was pity.
"I know that. Don't you think I know that we're not kids anymore Jonah? We're not kids but we're not allowed to be adults. How come you're so sure of yourself all a sudden? Can't you see?"
I was tired of this. I just didn't know her at all. Everything was a game and I didn't want to play. My words came out coldly, "Can't I see what?"
She stared at me then. Those spooky grey eyes staring into mine. "Can't you see me anymore Jonah?" She almost whispered and there was a catch in her voice as if she was holding back tears. "Can't you see how difficult everything is? I wanted my friend back. And all I got was this moody, angry teenager who acts like I'm dirt beneath his feet, just because I am not Jessica Mulligan."
"I have told you not to talk about her. And friend? What are you talking about? You decided to hate Jessica because I like her and that's because you're jealous of her.
She paused for a minute. "I am jealous, I suppose. But not in the way you think. I'm jealous of the time you've spent with her and the time you spend thinking about her when you could have been with me. You were the brother I never had. And then overnight you were gone. You and your mum destroyed Dad and me. But we rebuilt ourselves, and then overnight you're back again. But you're different. You're not my Jonah anymore. And you don't want to know me." Her eyes filled with tears. Then she must have seen my face because she gave a dry laugh. "And don't worry. I don't fancy you. Not really."
"What was yesterday's performance about, then?"
She might have blushed. Then she half smiled. "You still don't get it do you? Of course I flirted with you. That's what I do. I don't have friends. I hang out with girls who want to be like me but are scared of me and I hang out with boys I flirt with, or go out with. I don't do friendships. So how were you supposed to fit into my life now you're not my kid brother anymore?"
I shook my head. "You are seriously messed up, Lauren."
She nodded and laughed. "That's my point. Jonah. We are all messed up."
Despite myself I laughed and suddenly we were giggling together and the friendship we thought was lost seemed within reach again.
"Dead deep, aren't I?" She laughed at herself again, and it transformed her gaunt face. "Yeah, so anyway, what I am trying to say is I never meant to come between you and Jess –not really anyway."
My good humour vanished. "What do you mean?"
She didn't even look embarrassed. "I thought she'd told you? I kinda told her you and me were together."
I was too exhausted to show my anger. "I know. I guessed it must have been you who had made her leave the gig."
"She didn't need much telling. She said she wasn't interested in you."
"She really said that?"
"Yeah." Lauren looked at me, that cool look back on her face again. She watched me as I tried to make sense of it. Had Jess ever liked me at all? Was she telling Lauren the truth or me?
"Yeah, but the thing is, it was pretty obvious she was lying." Lauren threw me a pointed look. "She was completely into you then and, even though I tried my best when we were away, she is still completely into you. Do you think it's a coincidence that she hasn't been seen at school since the day you moved in here? I sort of spread it around that we were together, and the poor little lamb couldn't take it."
She saw the fury in my face. "What do you mean, 'spread it around'?"
"I saw her go into the toilets and made sure she heard me telling the others you'd moved in. I may have exaggerated what was going on with us."
I pointed my finger in her face. "Stay out of my life! Don't ever discuss my business with anyone again. And leave Jessica alone."
She pushed my hand aside, and I had to admire her ability to keep the upper ground even though she had behaved outrageously. "The thing is Jonah, all my best efforts and we are still not friends, or lovers, or brother and sister, and you and Jess are still not together either. So what's the point in that? You are both crazy about each other. You're so crazy about her you even turned me down. She is completely into you and you're an idiot not to see it." She laughed again. "Look at yourself. Either get over her and move on or do something about it. You're totally lovesick. It's pathetic. You deserve each other." She shook her head and pushed past me. She stopped halfway up the stairs, her voice softer again, "I know I've tried to screw things up between you and maybe I've been a bit of a psycho-bitch, but I meant what I said – we always used to get on and whatever you think, I was pretty much a psycho-bitch then, too. Maybe when you sort your head out we can be friends again. Just please sort your head out Jonah. I can't take much more of living with you like this."
Despite my frustration with Lauren, just one thing was going through my head after that crazy conversation – Jess was totally into me. She'd left school because of me. I needed to talk to her. I needed to explain myself. It seemed like the day for it. So like a fool I decided that I'd push my luck and go after Jess.
It was easy once I'd made the decision but as I knocked on the Mulligans' door, I had never felt so nervous in my life. To my relief, Jess opened the door. She had that dazed, distracted expression that I was used to, but when she saw me she froze. She looked confused and then she looked angry.
"What do you want?" She sounded impatient, as if I had been pestering her for weeks. Her blue eyes wouldn't meet mine.
"I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to explain."
"Haven't we done all the talking that's needed? Haven't you explained before? It's fine, I can take a hint."
"Did you leave school because of me? Because of what you thought was going on between me and Lauren?"
She looked at me in a way I had never seen her do before. She looked older and stronger. "Don't flatter yourself Jonah. And what you and Lauren get up to is really nothing to do with me. We both have busy lives at the moment. It's an important time for us. Let's not distract each other with these games." She went to shut the door but my foot was there.
A game? Is that how she saw us? "I am not playing games. Jess. I miss you. I need to talk to you." I realised I sounded desperate but I didn't care.
"Just leave me alone, Jonah. Please."
I might have listened to her if it weren't for that please at the end. Because I saw in her eyes a depth of pain and sadness that surely meant she felt something for me? In my arrogance I knew I was the only one who could make it better.
"Let me explain. I only need a few minutes. If I have to I'll talk in front of your Mum and Dad. I can't just walk away and leave things like this."
She stared at me and then turned away, but she didn't shut the door. So I followed her and prayed the right words would come out.