letters - jalyx

jenn's first letter

Alyx,

I'm sorry. For a lot. 

Firstly, I'm sorry for responding to this so late. I would try to come up with a dumb excuse as to why it took so long; like it got lost in the post or I have been busy, but those would be lies. I have had it for about two weeks now. I've just been scared to open it. I have been scared to hear any sort of negativity or hatred or anger come out of your mouth.

Secondly, I'm sorry for what I did to you. You didn't deserve it. I shouldn't have let it happen. It was a drunken mistake, and I regret it. 

I am going to be completely honest in these letters. I need to tell you everything I should have told you the very day this happened. 

I have spent the time we spent away trying to forget about this. I wanted to be emotionless. I wanted to seem like I didn't give a fuck what you thought or how it affected you. I wanted to just move on and continue screwing around with Andrea. I buried my worries in her completely. I emotionally numbed myself out of guilt, and relieved it in the only way I thought was possible; sex. I didn't deal with the way this was making me feel for the longest time after I lost you, until a day I was with Andrea, in bed, and I broke down. I was hysterical. She couldn't console me because she wasn't you. Nobody was you, nobody could help. I can't help but feel like I lost the best thing that has ever happened to me. I haven't uploaded in three weeks. Not like you'd know, you blocked me. On everything. 

I am not going to ask for a second chance, but I want you to know you aren't dealing with this alone. You aren't in pain alone. If you wanted me to suffer, I am suffering.

But god, I do miss you.

I miss your hair. I miss the way you smell, and I miss the way you held me. You knew exactly how I liked to have my back rubbed, with an open palm. Any other way gave me chills.

I don't think I've ever loved you the way I've loved other people. Our love was safe and secure. Our love was "I can't wait to come home to you every night and cook dinner for you. I'll buy you anything and everything I can afford." It was domestic, I saw the rest of my life with you.

I'm so sorry I ruined the rest of our life together.

I don't think I will ever fall out of love with you.

Jenn

A/N i just felt like writing, and i came back to this. this isn't proofread, and its short. I'm sorry its so short but i love you all.