Bittersweet

Chapter Thirty Three

A/N: Sorry for the delay in updating again, I've been struggling to find time and motivation to write. 

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Rick

It's almost impossible to leave Charlotte the next morning but I have little choice. Lily has to be back at school tomorrow; we were lucky that her head teacher allowed her to have a couple of days off at the end of last week, her not turning up tomorrow would be pushing things too far. Lily seems to be doing so well at school and I don't want that to change, I also don't want the school doubting mine and Charlotte's parenting abilities.

Charlotte gets up to make tea and coffee while Lily and I are getting ready to leave and while Lily is finishing off perfecting her hair I manage to catch Charlotte on her own in the kitchen. She's standing at the sink, gazing down the garden and appears lost in thought. I pause in the doorway and clear my throat to let her know I'm there before approaching but even so she seems startled as she turns, her hand pressing to her chest and her eyes blinking rapidly.

"You off?" She asks, tucking her dressing gown more tightly round her body.

"As soon as Lily's finished her hair." I step closer and reach out to take Charlotte's hand, not quite sure whether she'll allow me to do so. "You'll be okay?"

"Yeah," she slips her hand into mine. Her fingers feel cool and delicate. "Thank you for doing this."

"It's fine." This feels terribly formal and polite, like that first time I came here the evening I agreed to take the paternity test. It feels like we hardly know each other at all and I can't help but think that this separation is not going to end well. I'm determined not to dwell on that now though, possibly a couple of days are all Charlotte needs to get her head straight. Possibly once she's got over seeing her ex and his pregnant girlfriend things can go back to how they were when we arrived up here on Thursday. She's had a lot to deal with in the last few days; it's bound to all be playing on her mind.

"Well thank you anyway. Call me when you get back, so I know you got there safely?"

"Of course." Using our joined hands I pull her closer and put my arms around her but even though she leans into me and rests her head on my chest it feels awkward and slightly uncomfortable, like hugging a stranger. "You call me if you need anything at all."

"I probably won't." She says quietly into my chest. "I need a bit of space to work this out. I'm sorry."

"It's okay my love." I bend my head and press my lips to her hair, closing my eyes and breathing in her familiar fragrance. I'm not sure how I force myself to say the next words that come out of my mouth, but it's important that I do. "Charlotte, I love you more than I can say and I hope with all my heart that you can come to terms with this so that we can be together, but I understand you have to do what's best for you. If what is best for you is us not being together, then I'll accept that but please, just remember how much I love you. I'll do anything I can to help you and make this easier for you."

I don't want to even imagine that she might decide that she can't be with me but I have to let her know that if that's what she needs then I'll accept it. I won't like it, but I'll accept it, for her.

She lifts her head from my chest and looks up at me, a slight smile on her lips even though her eyes look sad. "Thank you," she whispers, stretching to kiss me as her hand rests on my jaw. "I love you too."

As Lily's footsteps thud on the stairs I fight the urge to crush Charlotte to my chest and never let her go.

The journey home is long and boring, as it is often is, and I spend most of it wondering what Charlotte is doing, what she's thinking. She said she might try and see Bex, which I think would be good. Bex is sensible and calm – not that Charlotte isn't – but she might be able to help Charlotte think all this through and realise that she does want us to be together.