Somebody Else

The Memories

"Hello, It's me.
I'm writing to you again and I will keep doing it forever because I know you'll keep reading.
As always, I will just tell you about myself, because I'm sure you want to know.
I got much work to do, and my classes are bothering a little, but instead of studying
I prefer sitting in the corner of my room  and listening to my 'sad' playlist while I'm writing to you.  Today, I want to be honest with you.
I miss those days when we all used to be friends. Now everything has changed and we all are far from each other. That's sad, but it's better than having to fake a smile for you.

You know, It's pretty boring without you. I missed you a lot. Sure I can rip your pictures and letters, I can destroy your gifts and delete your messages but memories...they stay forever.

Once you meet someone you never really forget them and you never forget how they made you feel.

Sometimes I wonder what do you think at nights when everyone else is sleeping. Are you thinking about me? I know you do. The thing is... We look up at same stars but see such different things, this is what bothers us to be together.

I have been through a rough time lately, the reason might be you and your behavior.

I want you to know something.
I'm losing you and that hurts. I'm trying to keep you with me but you don't want to stay. Too bad, you'll never find anyone like me.

I tried to replace you once. I called it 'love', but it was just me trying to forget you.
I never really fell in love. And the reason, again, is you. He wasn't good enough and by that I mean he wasn't like you. He was kind to me, he showed me care but I noticed he's the same with everyone else. But you were like that only to me. I wanted to feel special again.

I tried to replace you for the second time.
I called him a soulmate. But I should've known that maybe a soulmate is someone who understands the very deepest parts of you without you having to explain. And I should've known that can be only you. He used to ask me if I'm fine and would ask for the reason if I weren't. But you never did. No, you just asked me for the reason for being sad because you felt it through the screen of your phone or  through the papers. YOU were my soulmate. So I left him behind too.

I tried to replace you for the third time.
She was just like you. Or so i thought for a while. She told me she would be there for me whenever I would need her but she left when I told her I needed help. She liked to listen to the classical music and that reminded me of you. I gave her a  second chance. And she let me down again.
I should've known you're unreplaceable. I should've known there's no one like you. But I didn't and so I had to suffer this much.

Then I tried to forget you ,but everything I saw around me reminded me of you. The sky reminded me of your eyes, they were crystal blue. When you told me I'm the one you want I stared into your blue orbs and that color was now the color of my soul. The sun reminded me of your smile, of course. Everytime you smiled you brought joy to everyone around you. I always admired you from afar. The moon, it was the word you used to describe me.  I loved it a lot, Hun. The trees and flowers reminded me of your style. You used to dress up indie and always tried to look cool. I liked your style and always tried to match you. The stars were your feelings.  The day was your happy and the fake mood and the night was your sad and the real mood. But I loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.
So because of this I tried to ignore everything what's beautiful and I pushed everyone, who tried to get closer to me, away. Soon enough I was alone.

Then, I had to fight the monster they call depression. Again. I went through it before too.It was hard but not impossible. With your help. For the first time you held my hand and hugged me tightly and you were there for me. You spent sleepless nights talking to me behind the screen. You took care of me and gave me the love which I  was missing.
But for the second time it attacked, you weren't there for me. You left me to fight alone. This seemed to last forever, I was bleeding and starving and I was cold but no one was there to help me to stand my ground and not to give up. But I was stronger than you think. My friend luckily was there. His name is Hope and he leaves me a lot.
So I took a deep breath and realizing I can't fight alone, I began searching for help. Family,friends, neighbourhood, internet, oh I tried everything. I was really disappointed then and when I was about to give up on everything, you appeared. Love, you did.
But the message I got from you that night made me cry myself to sleep. I didn't want to lose you, no. I was trying to love myself, only that. I asked you to stay alive for me and you  heard me and left the rooftop. I sighed in relief and I was not ready to get heartbroken again. You told me you'd live only for two people, for your mother and for your sister. For a while I thought that could be me but I was tricked again. And this wasn't still enough for me to understand you're not worth it.