Sincerely, Mike

FEBRUARY 28 2012

FEBRUARY 28, 2012

Dear Billie,

There's a part of me that wants to sugarcoat this. There's a part of me that doesn't even want to say this because it feels like if I say it too many times, it'll become real.

But I promised myself I wasn't going to lie to you anymore.

Trè told me the truth.

And I'm having a very difficult time processing it.

Because aside from the obvious reasons, I feel horribly guilty about the whole thing.

I'm sorry for never speaking up before. I'm sorry for never ripping the beer out of your hands. I'm sorry for never saying how much I cared or telling you how much you meant to me. I'm sorry for not getting you help until it was...too late. I'm sorry for lying about the news from the front. I'm sorry for essentially promising you a tomorrow that looks like it's never going to come.

It was selfish of me to never think for even a second that this was never going to happen. It was selfish of me to never reach out to you before.

Why is hindsight always 20/20?

I have to be completely honest here, Billie- I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for any of this, especially if this really is...you know, the end. This has, quite honestly, made me hate myself unlike anything else ever has. I don't think there's any fixing that.

But it will bring me a certain peace to know that you somehow found it in your golden heart to forgive me.

I know it's asking a lot. And I know I probably don't even deserve it at this point. But I don't know what I'd do with myself if I lost you and never earned your forgiveness.

I am so, so genuinely sorry about all of this. Every night I close my eyes and pray that when I open them I'll have woken up from this awful nightmare and everything will go back to how it was before...I hate living like this. I hate knowing that you're suffering and in pain...because of me and my failure to act.

My life...it really is hell without you.

Billie Joe, my brother, my musical soulmate, I wish you nothing but love and peace for the rest of your days. Always remember that I am with you until the very end of it all.

And if this really is the end, I just want you to know that I'd do it all over again.

Granted, I'd do some things a little differently so that we don't end up here again, but I'd do it again. And again. And again.

We had some great times together, Billie. We really did. This, of course, makes me miss those days like hell, but the memories of better days gone by and the hope that maybe one day we can get back to doing what we did best has been keeping me going.

I know that glimmer of hope is fading quickly, but because I'm the stubborn piece of shit I've always been, I'm gonna hold onto it anyway.

For what this life was worth, it was worth all the while.

You made it so.

I love you, Billie Joe Armstrong. Always remember that.

Sincerely,
Mike

P.S.: I Wouldn't you know it, I found a couple pictures of us at Christie Road when I was going through some boxes at home. I figured you'd like to have them. You know I went by there yesterday? Place hasn't changed at all. Made me miss you like hell.
P.P.S.: Trè wanted you to have a few of Spazzy too, he's getting so big now. He misses you a lot and is dying to see you. Maybe we can figure something out for his birthday next week?

-
A/n: yes, short, I know. (Between us it's just filler, you know, to get to the good stuff.) anyways, I had some great plans for this story for the Christmas break, I really did. and then (of course) I got horribly sick for a week and a half and that just about threw a monkey wrench into my plans for the next couple of chapters. I kinda had to go back to square one, so bear with me and the essentially completely incomprehensible notes I have on what's supposed to happen next. I'm gonna try to make up all that lost time and crank out as much as possible for the next week.

The end is near, my dear readers. Hope you're up for it.

-Jay

P.S.: merry (late) Christmas, and happy New Years! See you all in 2018 :)