Casual Affair

One Last Song

Obviously, the whole "staying in my room forever" thing didn't work. My parents let me miss a couple days of school this week because they understood how hard the break-up must've been. However, I had to tell them the reason why this break-up was so hard. Therefore, my parents know that I cheated on Derek with Asher... something I told my mom I would never do. They actually weren't that surprised. I kind of confirmed their suspicions when I came home from Asher's house while his parents were out of town that one time. They said that they "wanted me to make my own decisions and face the consequences of my actions. And that they "weren't always going to be there to tell me the right thing to do." However true that may be, I feel like they really should have slapped some sense in me on this one. I mean, they basically just sat back and watched me cheat on my boyfriend. Aren't parents supposed to protect you from doing stupid shit? And that's probably the stupidest shit I've done in a long time. Or probably ever. Yea, that's probably the stupidest thing I've done.

So, what have I been doing with my time off? Mainly wallowing in undeserved self-pity. As well as checking on my college applications. I understand that even though Julliard is my first choice, there is a possibility that I might not get in. I've already applied to and auditioned for multiple other theatre schools across the country. I've been accepted to NYU's Tisch program. As of right now that is my number two choice. New York is definitely where I want to be, especially since I want to be a Broadway star. And the Tisch program is one of the best in the Nation. And Broadway does hire a good amount of actors and actresses from that school. So, I could go there and still be able to get the training I need to live out my dreams. However, Julliard's acceptance decisions come out soon and I am desperately anticipating the results of that letter. I have also come to terms with the fact that Asher and I may be going to the same school once again. We'll definitely still be in the same town. I have no doubt about that. I want so desperately to run away from him and never see him again. However, no matter how big the city is, there is a strong possibility that avoiding him forever is something I will not be able to do. So, at some point we are going to have to put this behind us and be civil with one another. I don't want to pass him in the hallways or have a class with him and there be built up awkward tension.

However, as of right now, I cannot bring myself to talk to him. I know that a lot of what happened between us is my fault and my fault alone. For one, I was the only one of us in a committed relationship. He had no one that he was accountable to. He was not the cheater, I was. Secondly, with that being said, I can't exactly blame him for any of his actions. As previously stated, he was single. He just wanted to be with me again and I kept giving him what he wanted. I knew early on in our flirtationship that he had real feeling for me and that he regretted our break-up and I should have completely cut thing off with him right then and there. But I didn't. I allowed him to come back into my life and place down an emotional anchor in my heart, even though I was still in a relationship. I gave him so much room to wiggle his way back into my life. So, yea, I can't blame him for taking the chances that he did. I can only blame myself for allowing him the opportunity to come in and wreck my life again.... No... actually. I can't even say that. He didn't wreck my life. I wrecked my own life. I did this to myself. The common denominator in this whole mess is me. I am the one and true problem. Both of them are probably better off without me in their lives. I'm sure they will live happier, stress free lives. And maybe some time off in the future, when I've learned how to love someone properly, I can get into a healthy relationship with a guy and settle down and be happy.

But currently, I am no happy. Why? Because today is the first day my parents have actually forced me back to school. I don't want to be here. I never really want to be here. I actually really want to graduate. Graduation is so close that I can taste it. Yet, not soon enough where I can avoid my issues for that much longer. Though I've tried, my life as a turtle hiding in my room has come to an end. And the first set of eyes I see as I walk into the school are those belonging to Derek. His eyes held my gaze for a couple of seconds before he turned away and walked quickly down the hall. He said he wasn't mad at me, but I get him not wanting to talk to me. I wouldn't want to talk to me either. It still stung a little though. When I looked in his eyes I could see how much I had truly hurt him. The guilt was kind of eating me alive. I didn't know what to do. I had broken his trust. I had proven to him that what he was thinking when he entered this relationship was true. That I wasn't over Asher and that I couldn't love him as much as I loves Asher.