trigger warning
It wasn't that I didn't care.
It's just that I didn't have the effort to.
Between the touring, the traveling, and the constantly battling with the countless demons inside my head, it was just too exhausting for me to even give a fuck about anything else.
I mean, everybody has their demons right? They can have them while they're wide awake, or even dreaming. It's just how they choose to handle it that makes it obvious... Some people read to escape. Most listen to music. Others talk about it.
Me?
I take it out. On myself. On people around me. Even on the stupidest things, like a carpet that I clumsily fell over, or a dog that just wouldn't shut up.
"Michael, you should eat."
"Michael, you should really take that sweater off. You're sweating like crazy"
"Michael, can you just for once have a heart?"
Me? Have a heart? If anything, I've got a jet black heart.
I feel nothing. No pain, no happiness, no sadness.
It's like there's a hurricane underneath it, constantly spinning and destroying every single emotion I have. It's keeping me apart from reality, slowly chipping away at the little life that's left inside it.
I've tried so hard, so fucking hard to ignite this fire inside of me that once was happiness. I tried. I wrote. I listened. I talked. But it's like every time it was ignited, it just faded to grey.
It really just feels like I'm gonna break at anytime, that I'm just holding on for dear life inside this never ending hurricane, trying not to fall into the empty pit that's my mind. It's like my life is a blank piece of paper, and my mind is some kind of poison pen, spreading a mixture of sadness and emptiness onto the blank canvas.
I'm broken. Very fucking broken.
Calum knows. Ashton knows it. Luke too.
They all know, yet they never bothered. They never saw inside of me. They were too caught up in the moment to see.
They only saw the angry red marks on my arms. They only saw the dark bags under my eyes, the fake smile spread across my face.
They never saw the dulling grey sadness in my eyes. They never saw the emptiness in my heart.
My jet black heart.
"It's just a phase." Our manager said.
"He's just tired from all the touring." The doctor said.
Lies. They're all lies.
It's not a phase that I'll just magically get over one day. It's not some tiredness that a few hours of sleep will cure.
It's emptiness.
Pure dark emptiness.
I never fully understood how I came to be this way. It's like I'm a mistake, like the blood that runs through my veins is made up of mistakes, and this is God's way of telling me that I don't deserve to live.
I just want to forgot who I am for one second. An empty shell of what used to be Michael. I'm fading, like my hair. It used to be bright, now it's just... Dull. There's no way to rewind, to just to become happy again.
I wish I could start again. That I could just dive into the dark and land in a pool, only instead of water, it had life. Color. Because right now, everything just seems grey and dull. I just want a little burst of happiness and color to return to life.
But it never comes.
It's only after midnight when I'm in the darkest corner of my mind. Because I know that once the clock hits midnight, I'm not falling asleep anytime soon. So I just think.
Think about how shitty my life is.
Not including the band, of course. In fact, it's the only place I could truly be happy, even if it's only for a few hours.
I love the fans, I truly do. They mean everything to me, they're my whole life.
But sometimes, even the thought of them couldn't wash away my depression.
There's no solution to this really. There is one, but I couldn't.
I have to think of the fans. Of the band.
But, come to think of it... Do they really need me? If I went, Luke could just take over completely as guitarist. His and Calum's vocals combined with Ashton's could pretty much cover me.
So really, there's no point in staying, right?
Well, guess in the end, I'm the one who ends up leaving, That can make it okay.
