Elias Zapple's Rhymes from the Cabbage Patch

Elias Zapple’s

Rhymes from the Cabbage Patch

By

Elias Zapple

Copyright 

© Elias Zapple, 2013 

Illustrated by

Ilaeira Misirlou

Disclaimer

This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to real persons/slugs, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Dedication

For

Lucky Marigold Raccoon

Foreword 

Ever since I was a little sprout I have enjoyed writing complete and utter nonsense that has bewildered, shocked and confused my many loyal slugs. Some of the disloyal, slimy slugs have simply gotten up and left, stating that they no longer wished to live in such a confusing environment where I’d spout any old nonsense. To those slugs I say this: “Good riddance, and I hope my neighbour Dieter sprays you with pesticides.”

Now, I might be known the world over for my dashing good looks, my incredibly stylish moustache that I call Mr Snazzy, and my ability to hit Dieter’s noggin from over a mile away with a cabbage. (And of course, the Duke & Michel and Jellybean the Dragon series of books), but I should also be known for my poems. Some critics might say that my poems are nonsensical – which they are. Some critics might say that my poems are terrible – which they also are, and some critics might even say my poems are complete gobbledygook that should never see the light of day – which is also very true. However, to those critics I say “Watch out!”, as my army of loyal slugs knows where you live, and will be attacking you shortly.

I have just received word that my slugs have indeed attacked those critics, leaving them slimed, sticky and eager to shower. All slugs have returned home… wait, no, one slug is down! Bob the slug is down! I will now observe a minute’s silence for Bob. Bob was a brave slug, always willing to listen to my nonsense rhymes, intentionally lose to me at chess, and never query me when miniature sticks of dynamite were attached to his back. Bob, I shall visit your final resting places and plant a tulip at each.

Moving on, these rhymes (and some don’t even rhyme that’s how zany they are!), are divided into two different categories. They are: Odd Creatures, Slugs & Elias Zapple and Zany Nursery Rhymes. They’re divided into two different categories because otherwise it would be complete utter nonsense, rather than quite utter nonsense. Enough babbling, on to the rhymes. 

Duke

Duke is the greatest ever Basset Hound,

Why, he’s worth more than a million pound!

Duke would say that’s far too cheap,

Even if all he does is sleep.

But that’s not so true, he does much more,

Guaranteed he’s not a bore.

Duke says, ‘Too right I’m not a bore,

That’s what Michel is for.’

Michel is his friend in a way -

A 12 year-old boy who’d say,

‘Duke’s a crazy dog that’s for sure!

Very annoying, is there a cure?’

Maybe Duke does go on and on,

Sometimes till the break of dawn.

But he can be forgiven cause he’s endearing,

His adorable drooping ears are good for hearing.

‘Good for hearing and my look,

I’m so handsome I should have my own book.’

For Duke’s tri-coloured fur’s pristine,

And his table manners quite supreme.

He knows how to roast a good lamb chop,

But when he eats he just can’t stop.

Yes he may have a very large belly,

But unlike Michel he’s not smelly. 

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