Fuck You - Bill Skarsgard

End

I have spent the past five years, on and off, in a relationship of sorts with Bill.

The entire time we've been "together," I have had my doubts.

Yes, I know that I have loved him this entire time, and yes, he has said that he feels the same, but something has always been just a little bit off.

Now it was finally time to face the music. I had always been sure about Bill, but he had never been sure about me.

The thought of it broke my fucking heart.

I wholly loved everything about him and it was awful to realize that he could never match those feelings. Bill had never lost sleep on my account. He had never skipped meals because his hunger had been suppressed by the fear that I was with someone else. Bill had never been so overcome with love for me that he couldn't think of anything else.

I was his plan B, and I don't doubt that he felt something for me, but I imagine those feelings were much more watered down than anything he had felt for anyone else.

Or at least I thought.

"You want me to make love to you?" I asked, my voice low as my hands slid down to his belt.

"More than you know."

His green irises were barely visible as his pupils were blown out in lust. He placed his large hands on my shoulders and led me toward the bedroom. Gently pushing me down into the bed, he wasted no time in wrapping his long fingers around the waistband of my pants and sliding them off.

"Someone's eager."

I gave him a half smile and pulled his shirt over his head.

Tonight I would get what I wanted from him and I would be done. Bill was not someone that was not going to be around for the long haul and it was time for me to stop pretending he was.

"I've missed you so much."

He sounded desperate, like it was the first time someone had touched him, and I stifled a laugh as my lips met his.

Our kiss was passionate, lips pressing hard and teeth grinding, but it didn't have the heat that it should have.

That was probably because I was struggling to keep myself in the mood to have sex with Bill. There was no denying that he was beautiful, and I was probably stupid for denying myself the pleasure, but I couldn't shake my conscience.

"Don't do this. He doesn't love you in that way, don't be a fucking idiot."

"How badly do you want me?"

Bill breathed in heavily, he slid down the bed and positioned his head between my legs.

I faked a moan and slammed my eyes shut. It seemed to have been real enough for Bill.

Soft lips wrapped around my clitoris as two long fingers pressed into my core. The fake moan was enough to convince him. His fingers expertly pressed my buttons and I tried to think of the last time he made me feel so good.

I couldn't remember. I wanted to cry.

I wouldn't let the tears fall. I wanted so badly to enjoy this, and I absolutely should have, because I was quite familiar with what his tongue could do.

There were so many times over the past years that I had spent missing his touch so badly that it almost hurt. So many nights had passed that I felt like I was going to crack open without him, his sparkling green eyes, and his soft white smile.

That was over now.

Time to wake up. You can do better. Someone out there loves you and it isn't him.

"Bill!"

I pushed his head from between my legs and he shot back, throwing his hands up in defense.

"Did I hurt you?!"

I chuckled at his question. He absolutely did hurt me, but not in the way he thought he did.

"No."

"What's wrong?"

His eyes were locked on mine as he licked his lips, tasting me.

"Honestly? Everything."

Bill stood up, clearly confused, an allowed me the space I needed to quickly gather my clothes and get dressed.

"I don't understand. I thought you wanted this."

"I did at one point, until I realized that I was better than your backup."

"What? You aren't my backup. Why are you saying that?"

I knew better. I had learned over the years.

Bill Skarsgard is the love of my life, but not in this life. In another universe we would have been blissfully happy together for many years. In another life we would have grown old together as we watched our kids have kids with nothing but smiles on our worn faces because we knew we had done something right.

That was a fantasy for another life, though. In our—my—current life, I knew that Bill was not the one for me. For my own damn sake, I needed to let him go.

Now or never.

Never wasn't an option and I knew it.

"I'm saying that because as much as I love you, you will never feel the same."

Bill said nothing as he dropped to his knees and took my hand in his.

"Please don't do this," his voice was barely a whisper, "please, I can fix this."

It took everything in me to pull my hand from mine, but I was able to do it. The tears were so close to leaving my eyes that I had to blink furiously to keep them back.

"No."

My voice was solemn, inside I wanted to crumble into a million pieces, but I held my ground.

"The damage you've done to me is immeasurable, but I will be fine. I was always going to be fine, even when you had a hold on me."

I lowered myself to meet Bill's eyes with my own, and placed a soft kiss on his forehead before I spoke the last words I would ever need to say to him.

"Fuck you."