Not a phase

23rd January

Okay, so I know high school is supposed to be like the best years of my life, right? Wrong. So far, this has just been a painful experience that I deeply wish I could forget. Like cancelling a subscription to a really bad magazine or some shit.

High school is nothing like Disney made it seem with High School Musical. Thank god for that though.

It's especially difficult when you're like me. I guess this is the part where I introduce myself?

Hi. My friends and family call me Ava, I call me Adrian. I'm trans.

You see why high school is difficult for me? I can't handle all of these people, using the wrong name and pronouns. And just to make matters worse-

"Ava!"

My mum shouted from the bottom of the stairs,

"Come down for supper!"

"Coming mum!" I quickly shut my journal and rushed down the stairs.

"Go wash up and then sit down," she instructed, and I instantly obeyed.

"What did you make?" I questioned, once I took my seat at the table.

She sighed,

"We're having leftovers from last night, your favourite."

Mum put on a smile as she sat my plate down in front of me. It was an old Barbie plate my mother had bought for my 6th birthday.

I frowned a bit, and picked up my fork.

"Thanks mum,"

I took a bite,

"it's really good."

I put on a smile, just for her. It really was good, I just wish she didn't have to feed me off of this specific plate.

My mum smiled and made a plate for herself, sinking into the chair across from me.

"Your father is going to be late again."

She mumbled. He's been 'late' almost all week, and I could tell my mother wasn't having it.

I sighed and continued eating my food, wishing I could go back to my room. It was my safe place. Somewhere I could be myself, without anyone to judge me. I worry too much about a lot of things, not just how I identify. I worry about my girlfriend leaving me. So far, she's the only one who know my 'secret'. She says that she loves me, and supports me no matter how I label myself, but I just can't help thinking that she could hate me.

I hurriedly finished my food, and sprinted back to my room, locking the door. I grabbed my journal and continued writing--

my mother still uses my birth name, and I hate it. I mean, it's not like I've told her how I identify.. her and my father wouldn't really approve of it. It's funny that way I guess, being born into a very Christian family, and it turns out I'm part of the LGBT community. I can't really tell anyone, I'm afraid of rejection. The only person I can ever really trust is Anna. I'm glad I have her.. She keeps me stable. ALive. My mind likes to wander sometimes, and I think of what it would be like if I were born the opposite gender. Would I be the same, or would my entire personality change? Maybe I would've never met Anna.. or maybe I did and we were just friends? Would she still want me if I had been born male in the first place? I hope she would.. She said she would be there for me no matter what happened, and that she'd always love me. My mind also wanders to dark places. Maybe I shouldn't have been born at all? Maybe I should end it all and be born back into the correct body? Maybe.. Just maybe, then I could love myself as a whole.