Inside the Quiet Ones Mind

A DID Patients Thoughts

The weather is quite gloomy today, I mean yesterday it was so bright and happy..but today? The clouds are hiding away the bright and comforting sun, a cold breeze is splashing against my skin as goosebumps invade every inch of my body-and lonely snowflakes seem to drip from the sky. The giddy sun from yesterday has disappeared along with my tolerance and happiness.
My emotions seem to be a reflection of the sky; empty, lonely, and depressed. It's like I'm a television, I'm constantly changing and can't seem to stop; one second I'm white, the next I'm black, and at times I'm a completely different color altogether. I sit behind this screen and watch those who are just one shade-the ones who never change and are stable,  always questioning, what is it like?
I want to be stable.
Can someone tell me why I'm always changing? It's as if I'm fighting against someone who isn't there, fighting against an invisible enemy-and those who really are there are pushed away due to my reckless decisions when in a different color.
Who is my fight against?
My hands press against this glass screen that separates me from the rest-just let me be colorful like them please. Faking it can only go so far, just let me out of this confining television please-let me break free please, wont you take these shackles off? No...it's always a no...so I'm left to suffer here until my body gives out and decays.
I'm stuck in here, I just want to be one color, one channel-stop changing my channels please. It's terrifying, I tremble in fear, my body quakes from the horror of each changing channel. I see the button being pressed, and it's as if no matter how much I try to keep the channel from changing, I'm booted from the screen as another fills up my place. Why can't I be stable? Why can't I just be..normal?
Each emotion is a different person, a different channel. And once a channel is brought, my real self is forgotten and abandoned in a pile where the rest of the untouched channels lie until it's time for them to come out again.
I can't control the changing of my channels, the damage each channels inflicts when I'm pushed out brings shame to my conscious side. I have no recollection of what each channel does, of what mayhem they've created now-and once I realize what they've actually done, it's too late...
The channel I fear the most is the red channel.
She's a scary one.
A very precarious and unsteady channel-she's violent, irrational, and destroys anything good in my life. I want to get off of these stupid medications, but the red channel comes back and she ruins it all. Her rage and revenge is disgusting-I hate when she comes out...
My one true wish?
To be normal once again...just make it stop...