Niall has been down lately, he seemed to be deep in thought a lot and I have no idea why.
We've just welcomed our first child, a little boy, Luke James Horan. He's the cutest little thing, bright blue eyes and dark brown hair. He's the definition of perfect. It's supposed to be a happy time but Niall seems down.
He loves Luke, obviously he does, he spends time with him and feeds him but he's not as happy as he was before , something is always on his mind.
Niall and I got married last year, our 1 year anniversary is coming up. We've been together for 5 years, I met Niall when we were 18 and we began dating soon after. We clicked instantly. It felt like we'd known each other for ever.
I walked into the light blue nursery and saw Niall sat in the rocking chair with our little boy in his arms.
I smiled at the sight.
Niall noticed me and smiled but I knew there was something still on his mind.
"Is he asleep?" I asked walking to my two favourite boys slowly.
"Nope, he will be soon though he keeps closing his eyes" Niall said and I smiled looking down at my precious baby.
I watched as he slowly fell asleep in his fathers arms.
"You go get ready for bed and I'll put this one in bed" Niall whispered.
I nodded and leaned in kissing his lips before leaving the nursery.
I got changed into some pyjama shorts and one of Nialls t shirts.
I climbed into bed waiting for Niall to come in.
He came in and got changed into some sweatpants, he didn't bother with a shirt.
He climbed into bed next to me and pulled me into him.
"Niall? Can we talk?"
"Sure, it isn't something bad is it?"
"Tell me what's wrong, I know there's something on you're mind, since Luke was born you seem less happy, Do you regret having him or?" I asked.
"Of course I don't regret having him, I love him so much" he said.
"Then what is it?"
"Please tell me Niall" I pleaded.
He sighed and looked down.
"It's just he's bringing back some memories from when I was younger" He admitted.
"What memories? We tell each other everything right? I thought we don't keep secrets?" I said.
"We don't it's just-this-what I'm about to tell you is something that killed me and I stupidly try to forget about it but no matter what I can't and Luke brings back those memories even more" he said.
"Just tell me baby" I whispered.
He let out a sigh and closed his eyes before opening them again.
"When I was 16, me and my girlfriend at the time, got drunk when my parents were out of town, we ended up having sex and she got pregnant. We did break up but she tell me about the baby. I said that I'd stick by her. We told my parents and her parents,they were disappointed obviously but they were there for us. 9 months later she ended up giving birth to a beautiful baby girl" he confessed, tears escaping his eyes.
"She was gorgeous and she looked just like me" he said the tears still escaping his eyes but a small smile appearing on his lips.
"The doctors checked her and said she was fine, we spent some time with her, mainly me because her mum was asleep , exhausted from the birth. I gave her a bath, fed her and everything. But a few hours later when we had put her back in the incubator, her heart suddenly stopped . The doctors don't know what caused it but they couldn't save her and she died at 4 hours old" he confessed, a sob escaping his lips.
A tear escaped my eye as I saw the man I love upset and from hearing the tragic story about his daughter.
"Did She have a name?" I asked wrapping my arms around him.
"Yeah, Isla grace Horan" He said a smile appearing on his lips.
"Follow me" He said.
I stood up and followed him into the walk in wardrobe, we both have our own half.
He bent down and opened his bottom draw.
He moved some clothes and pulled out a box before closing the drawer again.
We went back to the bed and sat down.
The box was a light pink colour and said 'my little princess' on it in Nialls handwriting .
"I made this not long after she had died" he admitted and opened the box.
He emptied the box into the bed.
There were baby clothes such as dresses, pants, baby grows and t shirts. There were little shoes and some little headbands.
There was also a baby hospital band with her name on it and some baby accessories, such as a pink baby bottle , a dummy and a little rattle. Niall picked up a little pink bear.
"I got this a few days before she arrived and I gave it to her when she was born" he said.
"I did the same with the blanket" he said gesturing to a little blanket.
"Does this have pictures of her in it?" I asked picking up a pastel pink book.
Niall nodded.
"Can I look through it?" I asked and he nodded again looking down at the book.
The first picture in the book was a scan picture, I turned the page and saw a photo of 16 year old Niall holding a gorgeous baby girl. He had a massive smile on his face. I smiled looking at it. I saw that she had her hand wrapped around his finger.
The next photo was of the little girl lied in a hospital crib. Her eyes were bright blue and she was covered in the pink blanket and was grasping the small pink bear.
"She really does look like you" I whispered.
I turned the page and saw a photo of Maura holding her with a smile on her face and then there was a photo of Bobby holding her.
The next photo was of her mother holding her.
"What happened to her?" I asked gesturing to the mother.
"She just kind of left and I found out a year or so later that she'd passed away of cancer" he said.
"Oh"
I looked down at the next photo, it was off Niall doing skin to skin with Isla. There were more photos of him bathing Isla , dressing her , feeding her and cutting the cord. He looked so happy on them.
Once I looked through the album I put it down and I saw a black journal.
"What's that?" I asked pointing to it.
"This might sound strange but after she died I wrote letters to her, it helped me a lot, my mum recommended it" he said.
"It's not strange" I told him wiping one of his tears.
I picked up the journal and opened it reading the first letter.
Dear Isla,
My little princess, you became my whole world without 5 minutes. You're gorgeous , beautiful and didn't deserve to be taken away. I guess heaven just needed a special little angel like you. I love you so much Isla, I always will. Those 4 hours I spent with you were the best of my life. I'd waited 9 months for you and once I finally had my little girl she was taken away soon after. I'll not be able to hold you or look at you again but I promise you, you will always be on my mind. I could never forget anything as perfect as you.
Daddy loves you princess xxx
Tears escaped my eyes as I read the letter.
"This is the most recent one" Niall whispered opening to the last letter he wrote .
"I wrote it last week"
To my perfect baby girl
You're a big sister now, I still haven't told y/n about you, I can't bring myself to it. If you were here you would love her. Your new little brother is called Luke. He reminds me of you. Looking at him bring back the small amount of memories I have with you. I promise that we will see each other again one day. You would love your little brother.
Your birthday is coming up princess. I promise to buy some flowers and balloons and I will come visit. You would've been turning 8 if you were here. I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. It was one of the happiest days of my life and also one of the saddest. I love you lots princess and I promise to tell you're baby brother all bout you when he's old enough.
Lots of love, Daddy xxx
"When is her birthday?" I asked .
"In a week" he told me.
"I'm gonna but some pink balloons and flowers and visit her grave" he admitted.
"I can't believe what you've been through Niall but don't be scared about telling me anything , I'm always here to talk to"
