Truths

One

All my life has been filled by others speaking, other people's voices. All my life I looked down, never do I intentionally make eye contact. The only times I do make eye contact is by accident, I do not stare at other people if that is what you might be thinking. I find myself lost in thought, or just staring at random objects.
My name is Angela Lewis, and I do not belong.
All of my life i have lived in Candor, most of my faction has no trouble speaking their mind, but for me it was different. I do speak the truth as my faction requires, I just don't speak as much. When I do speak it is usually a hushed whisper. My voice gets lost as my opponent speaks in debates, I control the fire that builds up inside of me as they speak over me.
My confidence in my opinion being valid diminished I stopped trying to fit in at age eight. While I still held childish innocence to the cruelty of being pushed to the side my face usually had held a smile, I helped kids whose feelings were damaged by other kids words. My only strategy was to tell them that they just needed to gather more evidence and surely they would win next time. My efforts were unwelcome as the kids yelled at me to get away from them. I did as I was commanded.
I walk down these empty hallways, not a shadow of my former self. A blank expression that was frozen into my pale face, as I walked past a group of people they ignore me. I do not believe that they wanted to hurt me, I think that instead they wanted to just let me do what I enjoy. They could definitely think that I would rather be alone, I drifted away from the group at an early age and I never really was apart of the conversation.
I had only gotten close to one girl, her name had been Valentina, she transferred a few years ago leaving me all on my own. I don't blame her though, the red head was constantly harassed by her peers and there isn't a doubt in my mind that she was not mentally abused by her father. Late at night when my mind is too lively to let me drift off to sleep my thoughts drift to how much I miss her. Valentine had been the girl that stuck by my side to help me through my fear of people.
Valentine, my former best friend, left for dauntless. I wish to join her, but I do not believe I am brave enough. Speaking my mind is something I think I have to master before I can climb up tall structures, or get a piercing. After all, to get a simple piercing I have to go through a person first. Everything in life revolves around people.
I turned a corner to my home, as I slide the door open I am greeted by silence. I briskly walk through the open space to my bedroom door, without a distraction. My family was like the rest of my faction, their obsession with the truth too harsh for my understanding. Telling the truth feels like the right thing to do, but I long for something more than my whole life being truthful while too quiet for anybody to care. As I crawl onto my bed I find it more difficult to move my limbs. Finding myself hardly able to make it to the top of my bed curl under the covers into a tight ball in celebration of making it under. The soft pillow comforts me into a restless sleep.
——————
"Angela, wake up! You know how important today will be for you." I awaken to the sound of my brother's voice. The voice ended with a slightly disgusted tone as he glanced around my wall, more directly at the holes I've put in them. I never mean to, but I just get so worked up sometimes. Other people in this faction believe that I don't have an opinion, which is extremely wrong, so they skip over me. I hate to be ignored.
Dragging my body out of the queen sized bed I grabbed my brush off the oak bedside table. Slowly I started to stroke the black brush through my tattered brown hair. My steps are directed towards the mirror on the wall, as I stop to stare into it my eyes start to water.
I will belong somewhere. I will prove myself where ever I go. Nobody will stop me. I can be enough for my faction, wherever that may be.
I grabbed a t-shirt off the ground to whip the mirror off, today was one of the only days that I actually cared about my appearance, though I do regularly brush my hair. I keep swiping the brush through my hair as I hum a tune, then I quickly put my longer than average brunette hair into a ponytail. I stared into my reflection trying to absorb every feature of my face, slowly I brought my finger up to the mirror to trace my face.
Smudging the glass while I trace my plump lips, then I move onto my average nose.
I moved onto my eyes, my favorite part of myself. They were dark brown, though my left eye has a slight hint of blue above the pupil. As a child I remember wish I was fully a heterochromia person, now I feel like just the small hint of is enough for me. I smiled weakly at myself.
"You can do this." My voice unheard to anyone beside me.
Turning away from my reflection I stride over to my dresser. Slowly, I move the drawer out of its slot. The black and white clothes are starting to bore me, still I pull out a pair of black pants as well as a long white shirt that goes to halfway down my tights. My fingers dance across the fabric as I carry it over to my bed before gently setting it down.
I undress down to my underwear, which I took an extra pair of from the dresser and change completely. The feeling of the soft cotton soothes my nerves slightly, not much though. Today was the day I had tried to forget about because of how much it scared me. I could possibly make the biggest mistake in my life, I just have to go by the test. Dauntless, I am dauntless.
I don't remember what happened during the test, I just know I got sick after it. I also know the abnegation boy that had been testing me had a look of pure confusion as I woke. He mumbled a bit before finally announcing it, Dauntless.
I had not excepted it, I had thought that I maybe would have gotten Amity or Abnegation. With the former I would feel at peace all of the time, I had started to crave that feeling as I got older. Abnegation you loose yourself, that should be easy for me. Focusing on others and forgetting themselves I read once, that what they do. That's what I have been doing.
I don't think I will belong in dauntless, but I must be brave, the choice alone should be good enough to show I am in the slightest. The slightest, maybe I am more than slightly brave, I am smart. It's not that I value knowledge, I'm just good at figuring things out, for an example not everyone has the same truths. Someone could be told something that they believe and they tell someone else what they believe, this "truth" is actually them telling their truth which is wrong. They would be telling the truth under the truth serum if they were to say it was a fact they would be able to easily. That's the flaw with Candor, our serum, something we're know for, doesn't necessarily give you the raw truth that our faction desires. I find that very strange.
With a glance at the smudged mirror I leave my room. I will never return to this broken place, and I feel relieved. This place has brought to me a fear of social situations, and I hate it with a burning fire. I despise what this place has molded me into, I do not want to be anywhere near here anytime.
I leave and venture to the choosing ceremony with the rest of my faction.

Today I will tell the truth about who I am, and I don't care what my family thinks.