Sinning Angels

Prologue

"What's going through your mind today?"

"Colton."

"What about Colton?"

"What about Colton? You ask that like it's such a simple question, are you expecting a simple response? Because it's not simple, my response. It's complex, confusing, and hopefully sort of beautiful because that was my sinning angel, that was Colton. He was this tornado of a person that drew everyone in with his chaotic, uncontrollable, damaging beauty. He drew us in, but he kept us trapped. You know the weird thing about it though? We didn't care. We wanted to be trapped. Everyone that he encountered began to feel this weird craving to be around him, to experience him. He had this unique magnetism that refused to be denied. And I was supposed to be the lucky one because my charge revolved around his. When we repelled it was with such strength that we fell back into each other's arms on the other side. We gravitated, shifted, and spun with an undeniable force. I was supposed to feel honored because no-one else, not even his brother Aaron or as Colton renamed him "Dragon" got to see into the eye of the hurricane that was Colton. So my response, it can't be simple because that's not who he was, would you still like to hear it?"

"Of course. That is though assuming that you can give me one that tells me the truth. About him. About you. About what you really think about him and felt for him, not the response that everyone else expects and wants to hear. Can you do that?"

"I don't know, but I can try."

"Then I'm waiting."

"Colton. So as I explained, he had this pull, right? A pull that brought all kinds of people together just so they could be near him. I didn't understand it, I'm not sure I do now, but it was there. The issue with his magnetism is that it couldn't be controlled and it didn't repel people it maybe should have. All were welcome, even those that were not invited. And it changed him.

"When we first started dating I was only 14, and he was a year older. Colton was my best friend. He used to push me into the mud when I annoyed him, while sticking up for me when anyone else thought to try it. He was my first kiss when I was 13 because we just wanted to get it out of the way. He was there when I took my first taste of alcohol when I turned 14. And when my date ditched me at the Valentines day dance my Freshman year he was there to dry my tears and dance like an idiot to make me smile. A few weeks later he became my first boyfriend. Colton was all of my firsts. When we experienced each of the firsts together there was this light in his eyes that made me feel cherished and grateful all at the same time because that light was only ever present for four things. His mother, his brother, his motorcycle, and astoundingly me. That light and gentleness lasted for about a year, and that year was the most wonderful time of my life. We had a bucket list of firsts that we experienced together, and each time one was completed he would holler and sweep me up in his arms with this blinding brightness in his eyes that broadcasted his excitement and love. He loved risks, he loved a rush, he loved me, and I couldn't have been more grateful. Most people want to shoot for the stars. Colton saw the stars, we watched them often, and he found them boring. Colton shot for the here and now, and was never let down.

"When I started my Sophomore year, Colton his Junior, that began to change. A new kid had moved to town, and just like everyone else he was drawn to Colton. They became fast friends, Colton and Ethan. Nearly as inseparable as we were. Me and Colton's firsts became Colton, Ethan's, and I's firsts. And when Ethan started adding to the list Colton didn't hesitate. The list got longer, and with each event added, the risk to complete it rose. At first I didn't mind. Ethan was sweet, he made Colton laugh, and he didn't try to change our relationship. Yes, he was a child of the local Motorcycle Club "The Fallen Warriors," but he didn't choose that and I could overlook it. My acceptance wavered when the brightness that used to shine from Colton's eyes became dimmer and held a crazed glint. It was miniscule when he stopped hollering and sweeping me up in his arms and instead went instantly looking for his next rush. It ended when we no longer looked for something new to try to find a rush and instead went looking for our next hit. I didn't see it at first, Colton's addiction. Because when we were alone he still held a lightness in his eyes and held me like I was the one thing he cherished and wanted the most. But as the year progressed and our group expanded to include Aaron, who was only two years younger than Colton but much more innocent, I finally realized there was a problem. Colton was no longer only addicted to his rush, he was addicted to any substance that could give it to him and to anyone else he could experience it through. I no longer participated in marking things off the list and I rarely went around him if Ethan or Aaron were there. Colton was no longer a beacon of light, but he was still a tornado that never let anyone escape his winds.

"When he died in my arms I wasn't honored to spend those last minutes with him. I felt angry at him for leaving me, not in that moment, but months before. I felt relieved I could now escape this ever growing tornado. I felt sad because I'd never see his light again, or feel it when he swept me off my feet. And I felt guilty for not stopping his destruction sooner. I saw it. Everyday for those last few months I saw it and I knew I was losing him, that he was losing himself. I should have said something. To his mother, to him, to his brother. I think that's maybe what I feel the most guilty about. Not saying something to Aaron, protecting him from the addiction, from his attachment to his brother, from losing him. That kid thought Colton walked on air. He didn't make a move without his big brothers go ahead, even though they were so close in age. And Colton, he worshipped the ground his "Dragon" walked on. Seeing those two together was a privilege. Me and Colton grew together, but Aaron and Colton? They were born together. The 2 years between them made no difference. They were two parts of the same person and they both had that magnetism. The difference with Aaron was that he lived and thrived in the calm. That's why Colton nicknamed him "Dragon." To him, the damage and life that dragon's could bring to the world was amazing because it sprouted from their solid calmness. Anything they do, they do because they want to. Not because of circumstance or reaction, but because they were powerful and they know it and in owning that power they own peace that is impossible to find without it. That's how Colton saw Aaron. An unshakable powerful being who had the power to bring greatness or wreak havoc. He believed his brother would be amazing, which leaves me to wonder what he thought he would be. Aaron prospered in the calm where-as Colton couldn't survive without a touch of chaos and a never ending rush. Together they were a balanced duo that were more centered and in sync than meditation masters. So yeah, I think I feel the most guilty for not sparing Aaron the loss of his best friend and other half. Also, for not being able to look him in the face afterwards. He came to visit me after, did you know that? He snuck out in the middle of the night and came to find me. I think he just wanted to be with someone that knew his brother like he did, but the thing is I didn't. Aaron and me had two different Colton's that occasionally melded. So he came, he talked, and smiled at me with all the light and charm that his brother used to possess, bringing me to my knees. I knew then I couldn't stay there. I couldn't watch Aaron grow into his older brother, couldn't lose another one of them, and honestly? I think Aaron was already half there between his need to impress his older brother when they were together and in his grief and his need to keep his hero alive. Consequently I would have lost him as well. Therefore, I let him continue to talk, smile, and live in the moment. I even participated in the story telling, smiling, and crying, making our two Colton's one for the last time. And when it was time and Aaron had fallen asleep curled into my chest like a child, exhausted from his grief, I called my dad to come pick him up and bring him home. I kissed his forehead, gave him an old photo of us three I had kept in my backpack, and said goodbye for the last time while I watched my father carry him away.

"When I heard the car door shut and the gravel begin to shift I turned to my closet, retrieved a bag, and started packing. I ran from Philly with everything that I had, and I hope to never return. Because the kind of love I felt there for those two boys and the highs I experienced are anything but natural and they have the capability to tear even a super human apart. It was when we were in the car driving away the following morning that I realized something; Colton and me, we had the same charge, but there's a reason opposites attract-it's the only way to survive."