《Music》

I'm Sorry - Joyner Lucas

(just an opening note, grab your tissues for this one. please, if you suffer from depression and feel like nobody is there, i promise you, you are not alone. you are and will never be alone)

Go ahead and call me a coward
And say that I'm not strong, because I'm not like you
Go ahead and call me crazy 
Cause I live in a maze, tell me how about you?

I think I live in my head
Sometimes I think that I'm dead, I hide behind my youth
Know I been losing my mind
And I'm a little behind, step inside my shoes

Cause I've never been happy with myself
And I don't need no one feeling bad for me
Trying to offer me pity and throw jabs at me
Wanna give me advice and then laugh at me
Behind closed doors, just close the door
Let me be by myself, just me and myself

I'm tired of living, I cry
I hear it's easy to die, I wanna see for myself
And I know that sounds crazy to everyone else
But I'm depressed as fuck, stressed as fuck
Ain't no medicine that could cure what's the test as drugs

I mean, I need extra love
And that ain't even enough, said that ain't even enough
And where the fuck is God? (God, God)
Damn, maybe I ain't believing enough
But today we gonna see if He's real
And if He is, I guess I'm probably going to hell

Look, I ain't wanna die like this
I ain't picture my life like this
They don't know what it's like like this
Pretending I'm happy so I can smile like this
And laugh like you

Sometimes I wonder if I ever act like you
Could I ever fit in and maybe relax like "woo!"
Or would you feel lost without me?
Cause honestly I feel like the world is better off without me
And my mind's spinning, this is the line finish

Truth is I don't care how they feel about my feelings
I made up my mind, I'm going out like Robin Williams
I guess I'm not the Ordinary People of John Legend

And I've been suicidal since the day I was nine, shit
Okay, the day I was nine
I've been tired of being bullied, couldn't stay out the fire
Grandma told me I should take it one day at a time
And dammit, look at me now, fuck

(Fuck, pen running out, shit, fu-- ugh)

Look, just know it's a new day 
But if you're reading this, it's probably too late, blaow!

Just make sure you tell my family it's okay, I'm sorry
But it's too late, I'm sorry, so much weighing on me
I don't wanna live to see another day, I'm sorry
But I can't stay, I'm sorry, so much weighing on me

Just make sure you tell my family it's okay, I'm sorry
But it's too late, I'm sorry, so much weighing on me
I don't wanna live to see another day, I'm sorry
But I can't stay, I'm sorry, so much weighing on me

I hope you got what you wanted
I hope you finally happy, it's too late for you
Been going out of my mind
You don't know how many times that I done prayed for you

I hope you hear me, goddammit
Cause I got so much shit that I wanna say to you
I used to shine, now I'm all in the dark
I remember I used to tell you to follow your heart
But goddammit, look at you now, it's all of your fault

How could you? Maybe it's my fault
I should've paid more attention to what you been doing
Maybe I should've been more of an influence
I can't believe that you're dead, I fu-

I read your letter and all I could do was have mixed feelings about it
But I'll forever be attached to you, damn
Part of me feels bad for you 
Part of me feels like you weak and I'm mad at you

And I don't mean to be insensitive
But I don't understand how we couldn't prevent this shit
You took the easy way out, goddammit you did
I mean, look what you did, I'm so fucking upset

How could you be so selfish?
Nigga, how could you be so selfish?
Now you're gone, you done left me so helpless
I wonder what God thinks, I hope you in God's place 
Behaving yourself

Yo, what the fuck you gotta say for yourself? (Say for yourself)
Look, I really feel lost without you
I hate the fact you think the world is better off without you

And my mind's spinning, this is the line finish
Truth is I don't care how you feel about my feelings
And I'd be lying to you if I told you I'm fine, listen
I know that you can hear me, all I need is like five minutes

I just wanna reach inside the casket and pull you out
I'm sorry this is something that we both couldn't figure out
I wish I could hear you now, is your soul missing?
I wonder if you could do it again, would you do it different

Tell me what death is like
Was it meant for you, brodie? Did the heaven support it?
Are you fucking happy now? Did you get what you wanted?
Isn't this what you wanted? I feel the temperature falling

And you've been suicidal back then you were nine?
Yeah, even back then, you was nine
We was living on the edge, couldn't stay out the fire
Grandma told us we should take it one day at a time
And damn it, look at you now, shit

But it's a new day
And if you can't hear me, it's probably too late, fuck!

Just make sure you tell my family it's okay, I'm sorry
But it's too late, I'm sorry, so much weighing on me
I don't wanna live to see another day, I'm sorry
But I can't stay, I'm sorry, so much weighing on me

Just make sure you tell my family it's okay, I'm sorry
But it's too late, I'm sorry, so much weighing on my
I don't wanna live to see another day, I'm sorry
But I can't stay, I'm sorry, so much weighing on me

Just make sure you tell my family it's okay, I'm sorry
But it's too late, I'm sorry, so much weighing on me
I don't wanna live to see another day, I'm sorry
But I can't stay, I'm sorry, so much weighing on me

Just make sure you tell my family it's okay, I'm sorry
But it's too late, I'm sorry, so much weighing on me
I don't wanna live to see another day, I'm sorry
But I can't stay, I'm sorry, so much weighing on me

---

This song is so moving, it moves me to tears nearly every time I listen to it. 

The first part is a man writing to his best friend before he kills himself, and the second part is his best friend talking to his best friend's body in the casket after the wake.

Please, if you have suicidal thoughts, know that you are not alone. I am here to talk to. And there are hotlines. I know exactly how it feels to contemplate suicide, those restless nights have come way too often, and I know exactly how it feels and how hard it is. Please, hang in there. 

Thank you for reading this.

yours truly,

-_oShitWaddup_