Playing Sleep

seven » the birthday party

“I think the most common cause of insomnia is simple; it’s loneliness.” – Heath Ledger

There I was, sitting in my living room at one in the afternoon with my sociology and psychology books splayed out in front of me, a mega cup of coffee by my side and four small stacks of flash cards at the ready. I had an upcoming exam for each class, and needless to say, I’d been studying like crazy for the past few days.

The fact that I also hadn’t seen nor heard from Emily in that time either, was another reason as to why I was so dedicated to my school work. Using it as a means of redirecting all my thoughts to one, or really two subjects, there was no room left for her to weasel her way into my mind. Well, in theory. In reality, each time I laid down in bed at the end of an exhausting day, made even worse by my lack of sleep, she popped into my mind. Some nights she was dressed up in that devil costume, twirling her tail and whispering sweet nothing’s in my ear, other times she was curled in a ball rocking back and forth with tears trailing down her cheeks. Either way I’d wake up every morning with the same crushing feeling of guilt.

Previous to her lack of contact, I had been getting the best sleep I’d had in months. Varying from four to six straight hours, I was almost beginning to feel like a normal person, but ever since this rift arose between us, if I could even call it that, I’d slowly returned to what I treated as routine. However, I couldn’t help but feel as though I shouldn’t miss her, simply because I’d never really known her. Sure, I knew the basics, but only the things she would tell anyone, a stranger – I was really no closer to her than any of the random citizens that walked past her as she broke down. I didn’t even know what her last name was.

Once I had realised all this, it had become ever so slightly easier to push her to the back of my mind, not that it made it any easier to sleep at night when every memory of her came back to me like a tidal wave, but it made studying a hell of a lot simpler.

Just as I was standing to refill my coffee mug, as I had run low and only slept for two hours last night, my phone rung. Not sure who it could be other than Georgia, Julie or one of my parents, as they were the only people with my number, I pulled it out of my pocket and answered it without checking the caller I.D.

“Hello?” My voice sounded as it usually did over the phone, tinny and not at all how I sounded in real life. With the phone tucked between my ear and my shoulder, I walked into my kitchen to pour myself some more coffee.

“Jason?” I could recognize the voice straight away, the way her nerves would occasionally flow through to cloud the way she spoke, or the husky undertones that only ever presented themselves over the phone that one time I called her.

“Emily?” My voice showed clear signs of shock, and I cursed myself for being so typical. I should’ve played it cool, instead I gave away that I didn’t expect her to call me, a mistake I seemed to too often make.

“Oh my God, finally!” She shouted, relief flooding every syllable that passed through the phone. I could just imagine her, lying with her head over the side of her bed with a large smile decorating her face. I wasn’t sure that was how she hung around in her room, however it seemed like something she’d do. One of my biggest faults, speculation.

In response, I couldn’t do anything but laugh, my surprise still rendering me pretty much speechless.

“Do you know how long I have been calling random Jason’s?” She asked me, her voice high pitched and overly excited.

“No.” I snickered, pouring the hot coffee into my mug before I walked back into my lounge, artfully stepping over my notes as I made my way to my couch. Sitting down and kicking my feet up on the coffee table, I took a much awaited sip before relaxing back.