The Ultimate Defense is to Pretend

I opened a bottle of wine and got comfortable on the couch with my favorite blanket and laptop. The past few months had been crazy with the move to Malibu and my new job. It took a while to settle in and get used to my new life in California, but once I did, I began to crave a social life again. After my breakup with Alex just a year ago, I was ready to move on. No way would I allow him to break me. Being new in town I had no friends, well, none that knew I was here.

I took a sip from my glass and froze as my fingers hovered just above the keyboard. Should I email Shannon, let him know I was here? I was dying to see him again, and as I stared at recent photos, I smiled, realizing that he had only gotten more attractive with age. My mind drifted back to my rebellious teenage years and how Shannon and I became good friends. I giggled as I recalled ditching school to hang out with my friends behind the Circle K. We would hang out in the woods behind the store and smoke cigarettes, chatting until it was time to go home. All of the cool kids did it and it was then that I developed this insane crush on him. Of course, nothing ever came of it, he never seemed interested anyway, and then there was me. At that age, popularity was everything and I went through boyfriends like most people change their underwear.

At a party one night, I flirted hard with him, practically throwing myself at him, but unfortunately, he either couldn't take a hint or wasn't attracted to me. I felt so stupid for even trying and decided right there that I'd never do it again.

Eventually, Shannon moved and even though we kept in touch, we still drifted apart. I came to stay with him for the weekend when he first moved to Cali and it was clear that the bond between us was still very much present. I was excited to see him, but the visit was not exactly what I was expecting. He had a girlfriend who wasn't the least bit happy to learn that his good friend, Frankie, was actually a woman. The tension between the three of us was evident and I felt guilty for the remainder of my visit.

Closing the laptop, I shook my head as I picked up my glass, downing the last of the sweet, red liquid. Things change and friendships fade, maybe I should just leave it alone.

What the hell, I thought. Even if he was destined to always be just a friend to me, I needed a friend right now. Maybe he could at least introduce me to some people, give my new social life a jump start. I quickly downed the contents of my second glass for a little extra courage, refilled it again, and sat back down with my laptop.

I composed a quick message, trying to sound as casual as possible, took a deep breath and hit send. As soon as the message was off, panic started to set in and I quickly shut the computer back up and started pacing again. He hadn't mentioned a girlfriend recently, but if it was something new, he might not have. I didn't think I could handle another awkward weekend like the last one, no matter how desperate for company I was or how much I missed Shannon.

I told myself I was being ridiculous, we had been friends for far too long for me to be behaving like this. I grabbed the rest of the wine in the bottle, sat down one more time and made myself comfortable. I picked the laptop up, checking for a reply, but there was nothing. I sighed. He was probably busy, out on the town, pretty young things hanging on his arm. I surfed around the web for a bit while I finished my last glass of wine, looking for things for lonely, friendless, single people to do in Malibu. I wasn't going to be defeated. One way or another I was going to get back out there.

When I woke up the next morning my head was pounding and I had no memory of how I had gotten into my bed. With a groan, I turned off my alarm and stumbled into the shower. As the hot water cascaded over me, I had a sudden vision of giggling as I typed away on the computer. Oh God, what had I done? Had I drunk e-mailed Shannon? Panicked, I shut the water off, wrapped myself in a towel and practically flew into the living room where I had left the laptop the night before.