Fuck Up

I am a fuck up.

I ruin everything.

I'm ugly.

My sisters and cousins have always been prettier.

Everyone likes them more than they like me.

I'm fat.

200.

It's a number that I just can't reduce.

I try so hard.

I starve.

I say no to junk food and soda and yet that 200 remains.

I'm short.

5 feet and 4 inches.

1 inch below average and 1 inch above being considered the normal kind of short.

Different isn't always good.

I'm stupid.

Failed classes in college.

Nearly failed high school.

Got fired from my first job after 1 month.

I'm a disappointment.

I can't make my parents happy. They say I have so much potential but I'm lazy.

I can't make my sister happy. She always finds my flaws.

I can't make my grandparents happy. I'm bisexual. That's bad. A sin, they call it.

I'm different.

I don't fit in.

Too loud or too quiet.

Too weird or too boring.

Too stupid or too smart.

Too serious or too relaxed.

I just don't fit in.

Anywhere.

I am a fuck up.

I ruin everything.

Everyone has these negative thoughts. Everyone has a dark side that they hide away and keep from the world. It's important to remember that it's normal to feel this way. Every thing has a good and bad side. With happiness, there is sadness. With joy, there is pain. These good and bad sides are what keep the world balanced. Sometimes, the sides get thrown out of balance and you feel one side stronger than the other. It's with every single negative thought I listed above, it's vital to acknowledge their opposites. When I look at myself, I only see the bad.

But when my friends and family look at me, they see good. They see my beauty. My talent. My passion for what I love. They see how hard I try and how committed I get. They see things they can be proud of. I used to run from these bad feelings. Bottle them up until I explode. Now, I face them head on. I still get scared. I still want to run. But I know that if I do that, all I'm doing is setting myself up for disaster. By facing these feelings, I grow as a person. I get smarter, stronger, wiser, more experienced. I learn how to handle life and whatever it throws at me.

Yes, I am a fuck up.

Because of that, I can grow.

Because if you never fuck up, then you'll never learn.

~ Heather Mosley

02/05/18