Achromatic petals

Dreams

 it's  dark. No one, nothing, for miles. It's cold too. 

I can barely breathe, the air feels thin and leaves a sharp taste in my mouth; its horrible, i can't remember what happened either. It was dark and i was walking then i heard the car and it just all started hurting, everything hurts more than i could ever have imagined and i can't see anything, there is nothing else out here. Wherever 'here' is. I still can't breathe well but I'm getting used to the taste and the feeling of pain is starting to numb down.

Maybe i'm dead, i hope so but at the same time, i don't want to be dead. I guess there's some part of me that still believes, still believes things will get better. It's stupid really, for me to even think that but maybe not, Life wasn't always this bad, there was a time i was almost happy; the time when things didn't get to me as much as they do now, what i'd do to go back to being that way. I know they won't, I'm too pathetic to stop caring what people think of me, i'm too weak to even try anymore. 

Back then i didn't care if i hurt people, back then i was such a shit faced brat- i still am, the only difference now is that  i can see how shitty i am; i realise how horrible i've been to people who i care about and thats why. Thats why i hurt myself, thats why i deserve this pain and sorrow. I wish i never existed, i don't want to die, i'm too afraid to die but i don't want to be alive either. I do wonder though, what would their lives be without me? My mom, where would she be? My 'friends', would their lives be different? What if i do die, will anyone miss me? Would my mom mourn my death? What about him, what would Kyle do, would he be happy? Would he smile, think to himself 'Finally, he's gone.' ? 

I'm laughing uncontrollably, it hurts so badly. I'm crying but at the same time i can't stop laughing, Its so funny to think everyone would be better off without me. Why is that funny? It's true but i shouldn't laugh at it. It's not funny, why can't i stop laughing? I stop laughing, i stop crying too and it hurts too much to laugh now, my chest feels like someones standing on it, i can't breathe now. someones choking me. There's no one else here though, just an empty blackness, who's choking me? It hurts, i try to breathe but i can't; my eyes tear up again and i try to gasp for air but still i can't. I'm going to die if i don't breathe soon, i don't want to die. Not yet. I'm not ready.

I close my eyes as i feel myself begin to slip from whatever state of consciousness this is, then suddenly i can breathe again. I gasp for air, it takes me about 10 minutes to catch my breathe. I start to cough and out come the blood and petals still, it doesn't stop, the blood fills my mouth and i choke on petals, coughing them out as fast as i can. The blood starts to pool up around me, i don't know how but it starts rising as it collects on the floor of this emptiness. It won't stop flowing from my mouth, it doesn't come out smoothly like some kind of waterfall, more like in large amounts very suddenly and the metallic taste it leaves in my mouth is disgusting. Its impossible for me to have made all this blood, i should be dead since its half way up my waist now but it still won't stop coming out. It won't stop.

It's getting worse and worse, more coming out at one time and soon it reaches up to my mouth and i can't cough out anymore. Thats good. It should stop rising.

but it doesn't. 

It keeps rising till its past my nose, i close my eyes tight as its now fully submerged me, I can't breathe once again, i can't do anything. Soon though, i can't hold my breathe any longer and i open my mouth to let out the trapped air as i loose consciousness again, i can't see it or feel it but the blood has probably filled my mouth. This is it. I'm dead. I can't survive this. I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone, i didn't get to tell them how i really felt. If i do survive this, which i'm sure i won't, i'll tell them. I can't think anymore, its all darker than before, darker than that emptiness.

{I hope you liked this chapter, more on the way obviously.}