crybaby- Lil Peep fanfiction

chapter 16

gus pov

i wake up and immediately want to go back to sleep. i roll over and pick up my phone to check the time. 7:00. i notice a bajillion texts from tracy.

tracy (6:00): get up bitch

tracy (6:15): wtf why ignore me rude

tracy (6:30): bro class is starting

tracy (6:35): kid

tracy (6:45): you good?

tracy (7:00): where are you

tracy (7:00): did you die?

tracy (7:00): what color do you want your coffin to be bc you're obviously dead at this point smh

gus: pink would be nice

tracy: where are you

gus: in bed

tracy: with who

gus: nobody 

gus: i just woke up

gus: i sorta wish i didn't but ya know

tracy: you shouldnt say that bro

gus: im going back to sleep 

gus: i don't think i can do it today

tracy: ok

i throw back 6 xanax and lay back. soon enough, my limbs feel heavy and my eyelids are dropping on their own. 

poor bb aw skip like three hours

i wake up (again) and wish i didn't. im hungry, but i don't want to eat. i drag myself outside and smoke three blunts. my head is pounding. it feels like the energy has been completely drained out of me. i sorta feel like crying, but nothing has happened. im sitting outside, smoking, by myself. there is no reason for me to feel this way.  it's because you're completely insane, you retard. i pull myself up and find myself in my bed again. my phone buzzes.

bianca: don't kill yourself.

bianca: please.

gus: i'll try

i turn my phone off and roll over. after about 5 minutes, i'm in a deep sleep

dream

"it's bullshit, lucas! i dont want you anymore! its all bullshit, you never cared," bianca yells. im in awe. i never expected her to talk back to him like that. her voice is breaking as they argue. lucas pulls out a gun and holds it up between her eyes. bianca recoils. "shoot me instead," i plead. "gus, he'll kill you. dont say that," bianca cries. "you can shoot your own self," lucas sneers to me. he turns back to bianca. his hand is completely still, and his eyes are hard and cold. i try to run, to stop him, but i can't move. i squeeze my eyes shut. bang.

dream over bro he slept for like an hour?

i wake up drenched in sweat, but im freezing cold. i'm hypervetelating, but i can't feel it. my throat feels like it's closing. my body is shaking. my heart is racing and i feel like i'm gonna vomit. i realize that i'm having a severe anxiety attack, so i try to calm myself down, but i can't. nothing is working. hot tears gloss over my eyes and i find myself choking back sobs. i can't breathe. after a minute or so, my body's shaking begins to subside and my hands are only trembling. i can finally breathe again. my head feels heavy. i grab my computer and watch 2 episodes of scooby doo. even after that little *incident* 2 hours ago, all i want to do is sleep.

bianca pov

im really worried about gus. it's already about 1:30 and he hasnt shown up. no way he is coming now. what if he was hurting himself? HAHAHA no. he isn't gonna pull a bianca and slit his wrists and thighs. you're so stupid. why can't you do anything right?  no. i told him i would try. i find tracy in the hallway. "hey, is gus ok?" i ask him. "i don't know. we was texting this morning and he said he couldn't do it today," tracy shrugs. i really hope he's not destroying himself. i nod and tracy and i start up a conversation. 

skip to dismissal

as i'm walking to my car, i see cassie. "hey! sorry i havent talked to you in a minute. ive had some shit going on," i say. "nah, its fine. tracy and i are FINALLY getting more serious," "really? yay!" "yeah im so happy. how's gus?" "not here. he's kind of in a bad place right now," "oh, that sucks," "yeah," "are you still with lucas?" "um, yeah." cassie rolls her eyes. "i know," i say. "don't let him disrespect you too much, ok?" she says. "yeah, ok," "see ya tomorrow, b," "see ya then." i open the door to my car and sit down. i start my car and begin to think. was peep in a bad place because of me? yes, you skank. he thinks you lied about not being ready and he thinks you just didnt want him. i wouldn't be surprised if he hates you. he should hate you. he has every right to hate you, just like you have every right to hate yourself. i need to stop. i told him i would try. you did? well now he doesnt give a shit about you, you little bitch. why don't you just erase yourself from the face of the earth? it's not like anyone would even care. yes, he would care.

wouldn't he?

no, no he wouldnt. nobody would. you're just too wrapped up in your own life to notice that it should end. why would you think anybody would care about you. you must be hella slow. i drive down the familiar roads in my neighborhood. i feel so guilty for wanting to off myself. i have no reason to die. but you also have no reason to live. 

k so that chapter was like 200 less words than normal which is just dandy

in the next chapter i think i wanna skip to halloween and my calculations are SO OFF so im just gonna pretend that it's mid october (oct. 15) in this chapter :)