Bildungsroman

Ambition

Ambition was her hunter. Always forward. Never back. So, she kept running because she knew that if she faltered, even for one second, her huntress would be upon her, poised with an arrow, ready to kill.

It was ambition that had chased her towards academic excellence. Even as a child in elementary school she had wanted to shine the brightest. She was always the first to raise her hand, the first to complete her reading, and the first to finish her schoolwork. Eventually, her ambition had led her to her short time at Columbia, a choice that made sense to everyone around her, including herself.

She had been a pre-med major with plans to become a cardiovascular surgeon. Maybe it had been her ambition that led her to this choice. After all, obtaining an M.D. was no easy feat, and she always loved a nice challenge. Or, maybe, her choice was the result of the people around her. "Smart people like you need to reach for higher goals," was something she had heard her friends say, "Think of the salary you could make!" Regardless of the reason, her future career plans had made sense to everyone around her, including herself.

What didn't make sense, however, was when she had decided to drop out. It was a hard fought battle, but eventually, her pursuer had caved in and allowed this one mishap. Still, that did not mean her ambition ceased entirely.

On this particular afternoon, her ambition had followed her as she sat on the floor in the living room of her tiny one-room apartment, her legs sprawled beneath the wooden coffee table, hurriedly scribbling on paper. Without school, for the past two years, she had been satisfying her zeal by making music. So far today, she had completed the chorus for a song that was two-weeks in the making.

To her, it was a game. A game that could only be won when all the right pieces fit together. Each track had to be in sync with the beat. Along with that, melodies and harmonies had to be added in ways that both created complement and dissonance. Finally, lyrics had to be put in.

As she worked on the the second verse, she thought of her time at university. Though it had been eons since she had last step foot on campus, she could still remember everything vividly. There was something about Columbia's air that could not be forgotten. It was as if the enthusiasm from her fellow college students had seeped its way into the jet stream. That, combined with the smog of nearby taxis and the buzz of New York nearby produced an atmosphere she had yet to find anywhere else.

If she had still been a student, this would have been her graduation year. She could picture herself making plans with friends for summer break and medical school in the fall. Whenever she daydreamed of this, a hue of nostalgia would overcome her.

Recently though, when she thought of her old life a prick of doubt would meddle its way into her mind. All her life, she thought she would be destined for greatness (was it her ambition?)- the next Michelle Obama or Melinda Gates, someone deserving of importance. She questioned whether or not becoming a doctor was really worthy of that magnitude of acknowledgement. Yes, she would be impacting lives, but only a handful compared to the numbers of the ladies she admired. Her name would not go down in the history books.

All of this contemplation brought her back to the incident from the night before.

Unremembered. Lost. Forgotten.

She loathed to accept it, but she was just beginning to understand that eventually, whether in a decade, century, or millennium, her name would fade into oblivion. There was nothing she could do to change that.

She knew she was being selfish.

But, really, is it a sin to want the best for myself? She thought, as she packed her things and made her way towards the door.

Do I not deserve to make the best of the time I have now?