Whirlwind

15

NOT READY

I'm not ready to say goodbye to you yet

I spend most of my time avoiding people, more specifically avoiding the questions they will inevitably ask, like what are your plans for the future, have you got a job yet, where do you see yourself in 10 years' time.

I wish I could answer them, come up with something grand and impressive, but I can't.

So instead I just sit in my room all day, hide away from the world, crippled with self-doubt, wondering how much longer I can get away with saying that 'I'm just figuring it all out' because eventually people will get tired of hearing that, and they'll come hitting at me much harder, telling me that I don't have the time, I'm wasting away my future and that if I want to get anywhere in life - then I need to make the decision now.

Everything has to be decided now.

But the thing is I'm not ready now and the thought of making a forced decision that I'll regret my entire life absolutely terrifies me.

It's as if as soon as you graduate you become overwhelmed by everything. Everything you've been taught, the people around you, the pressure from society, you start to over analyze everything. And suddenly it hits you, unbearable crippling anxiety.

You find yourself staying up awake at night, the uncertainty of your future haunts you in your sleep. The pressure keeps growing and growing, it becomes difficult to breathe. You hide yourself away, too ashamed to speak because you don't know what you're doing with your life, and you're too scared to face reality.

Reality these days are filled with restrictions, limitations, set criteria. It's like I'm forever facing this big black wall, living in this constant state of fear. The fear that everyone else will move on with their life, go on to do great amazing things, whilst you're just left behind - you're just here, sat in this empty room, feeling like such a pathetic failure.

It's been months, I told myself I would've figured things out by now, but things are not getting clearer.

It's been months now, I thought I'd be a lot happier. It's as if once you hit you graduate everything changes. You can no longer enjoy yourself because what once made you happy, now makes you feel guilty.

Every waking day is a reminder that you're taking time away from the person you should be. i.e. a contributing member of society - basically earning a respectable amount of money.

People keep telling me what to do - apply here, enter this program, sign up for this. It's all too much, just back off, please just let me breathe.

Your expectations and pressures are suffocating.

I know that's it's my future and that I'm running out of time - but please try to understand - I'm just not ready, I worry I never will be. It's funny how everyone seems to know what I want in life - everyone except me.