Name- Patchheart
Decent name. No complaints here.
Age- Dunno
Okay... I'll assume around 25-30 moons. Maybe younger.
Gender- She-cat
Still no complaints
Rank- Queen
Okay
Clan- ShadowClan
I enjoy the variety and Non-ThunderClan idea. Also, always capitalize Shadow and Clan.
Rank- Queen
Okay
Personality- Angry, annoyed, and hot-tempered
Okay here's an issue. First of all, good job with making sure to add negative traits. Though, positive ones should be there too. She's a bit bland; uninteresting.
Looks- Black pelt with a white throat with brown and ginger patches
Cool. Eyes?
Family- Mother: Sunripple- a light ginger tabby. Father: Treefrost- a brown cat.
Capitalize the names like I did. But cool names. Very different.
Backstory: The apprentice's mock her because she cried ONCE and she keeps hissing at them. One of her bullies fall in love with her, but she ignored her. She gives births to her kits but dies.
A little confusing. Also, add more detail. It's very thrown together and difficult to follow. The mocking thing is exceptional since I don't know the apprentices. But the crying part, since it isn't fleshed out and explained, doesn't really reflect on her personality. If she's hot-tempered, the hissing fits more than crying.
The "bully" falling in love with her could be more explained as well. But the fact that you put "She gives births to her kits but dies." Is very weak. First, how did the bully fall for Patchheart? Also, who was the father of the kits? That was a little random. A lot random. It almost seems like you're saying the bully fathered her kits. Please put more detail into that.
Afterlife- StarClan
Oookay.
Fear- Having a meaningless death
Reasonable. I see she takes pride in being a warrior since she wants a meaningful death? Loyal to her Clan? You could add those things to her personality traits.
Death- Died from kitting
Okay, but again, more detail.
All in all, I give Patchheart a 2/10. She has potential, but you need to really put more effort into her character and story. Thank you for entering my OC Rater! Good luck with your character :)
