My life I guess

Save me

this is a bit grusome

Save me as i slit my wrists and watch the blood drain from my worthless body, hoping that it will be useful for once because the body and mind it kept alive never did anything to help all it did was spill blood on to the bathtub floor. Red staining blood that she had to scrub to get off. I want my blood to run dry and to have my worthless, lifeless body lay on the cold cement, un-moving, un-breathing, still forever till it starts to decay then this sick body of mine will be useful as plants grown on me and bugs infest my dead corpse making home in my rotting intestines, worms making home in my skull eating at my dead brain my blood drying up on the cold cement that i lay on. Hoping no one will find me, i don't want to be found, i want to be alone. But im always being found and saved once again from my repetitive depressive state, people talk to me and make me feel wanted, needed and loved. The only thing ive ever wanted, i get it online, or from those around me i feel loved but when everyone leaves and im alone i look at my arms and image the damage i could do, i look in the mirror and hate the person i see staring back at me, then i wonder if anyone would take notice. My change in mood and lack of emotions, would they notice? if they did would they even care? Would they look at me like im faking it and doing it for attention or would they wanna help? i do not know and i never will. sleep is the one thing im good at, its the one thing i can do without fail, if i could i would sleep for my whole life, never have to talk to anyone or anything, just lay there in the darkness and enjoy it, dream about a life where im happy, where i have loads of friends and poeple who are and love me back. thats all i want but life dosnt care about what you want, life is life and you have to change it  yourself but im not strong enough to so i give up, i give up so fast, so easily that it almost seems pathetic like i never even tryed in the first place. but i did, i tryed so hard. and ive have been trying but i feel like giving up i dont wanna be here anymore i wann go and see my uncule and gradma in heven, but im going to hell, where i belong.

sorry about that i just need to just type my thoughts