This is the End

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.

You are the small ray of sunshine in my darkness, which for me,  its dark all the time.  You are my one companion my best friend and my lover.  Always there for me when I needed you now not here when I need you most.  I wonder what went wrong, what I did.  But maybe its what I didnt do.  Maybe I didnt love you enough, even though everything I did, I did  with love.   I cant see my future anymore, clouded by my eyes drowning in pools of salt water.  And Salt water might clean my wounds but these wounds are too deep, roots trailing to my hearts core.  You had the nerve to tear the roots from my heart like a weed,  dearest girl, you were a fool.  Scratch that, you still are.

The salt drips from the window sils, flooding over the edge. I am that toy you lost interest in just like when you were a little boy.  Parents had enough money to buy you a new one when the old one no longer satisfied you.  I have lost  the one person I have given all of me to and mentally I wont be okay and physically I dont think I will be either.  Ive resumed the downwards spiral you had put on pause.  Twirling out of control, falling and this time; I wouldn't count on me getting up.   "Can we try just being friends".  After 1 year 7 months and 5 days I dont think I can sit on benches pushed back down the line of second stringers.  You were my first as I was yours, and I still want to be your last.

Time, in time they tell me, I'll not feel so bad. I don't want time to heal me. There's a reason I'm like this. I want time to see me ugly and knotted with loss of you, marking me. I won't smooth you away. I can't say goodbye.  Ignored texts and calls because you need space.  You offer to give me as much space as I need but I dont think you understand.  I dont want space  I want you.  No scratch that I need you.  My obsession had started as an embryo and sprouted into a fruitful love that is too sweet for your sour tastee buds.  I am the seed you planted in spring to be forgotten about as summer wears on. I am an apple fallen from branch rotting from the inside as pests speed up the process by nawing at my skin.  My skin is thick because over the years rejection has been tough but I never planned that these bugs would tear through it so easily breaking down my walls. 

You ARE my prince and I WAS your princess.  I still play the valentines day message you sent me even though our flame blew out yesterday.  Well mine didn't but yours did.  I need to feel your arms wrap around me like old times.  Our first kiss was like walking in a land of things too sweet even for me because now I want to relive it,  and in my mind I do.  Torturing myself,  wondering who you'll be kissing next.  I will never stop loving you,  but I can't help but wonder when you stopped loving me.  

For our anniversary you gifted a black calligraphy pen lined with streaks of gold with an engraving that reads "smile" how am I supposed to smile now??  I am a prisoner and you are the prison guard.  Free to do as you want with me behind the bars that you guard, this mosageny directed only towards me is salt and ice on a wound, burning your mark into my skin, i have been branded by your love, and now I will always have this scar.  

Next morning, you want me back and maybe it's because I begged you. I will take the abuses like the 'understanding' girl I am, never knowing whether he loves me, or he loves me not.  And when they ask about you, I will tell them he loves me, and think he loves me not.