Can you imagine how shitty it feels to have to hide something from someone you're really close to?
I'm really close to my mum. It sounds fucking pathetic but I really am. I tell her everything. I mean, there are a few boundaries but there's almost nothing she doesn't know about. The thing is, she cares too. A lot. No matter how small it is.
She wasn't even mad I was up at 3:45 a.m. playing Fall Out Boy when MANIA came out. (I was sent to bed but we listened to it the next morning.) She listened to it with me. She hasn't listened to Fall Out Boy since 2002, and she took time out of her day that she could have used to do something for herself to listen to some album that will be underappreciated soon.
She is my best friend basically. She's there when I need her and I've told her about everything. She won't let me date. She doesn't think it's important or something I should be involved in at a young age. (I'm 14.) She says it's not important.
There's this guy I really, really like. I've known him for a year and a half and we're best friends. My mum recently met him and says she likes him. (You know, in a way a mother can to her child's friends.) I told her I liked him and I think he liked me. She still said I can't date.
Blah blah blah, plot plot plot. He asked me out at 3 a.m. while we were texting. I couldn't exactly ask my mum and I couldn't just ignore him. It was a 'yes' or 'no'. A simple answer.
I said yes. I knew I shouldn't have but I did. I couldn't tell my mum yet because it was 3 a.m.
It's been about 11 days and we've been dating all that time. I still haven't told her. He's done some things that make me really happy and I want to tell her so bad. But I can't because she might make me break up with him.
He makes me really, really happy. I know it's probably not true love and it's gonna end but for the time being, I'm happy. I've had a boyfriend once before and I knew I didn't love him. But I feel different about this one. I feel like he gets me.
On that note, imagine how shitty it feels to not be able to tell her that. To not be able to love him without going against what my mother taught me.
I'll tell you, it's really shitty. It feels horrible. I constantly feel guilty and like a liar. I feel like a cheater. I hate it.
I want to talk to her but I'm just scared.
Someone please. I know nobody reads this book except my friend Madison and she deleted her account but if you do read this, please tell me what to do.
I want to talk to my mum about this but I'm afraid she won't get it.
I sound fucking pathetic, I know. But this is the kind of shit I've been thinking about for the past 2 weeks.
I'm so sorry.
