Random Book

I won't update for a while

Well it's what the title says I guess. Ling story short, I was heartbroken by someone I really loved. He didn't care about everything that'd happened between us. I met someone that looked like him...ended up tryin to go after him. He likes someone else. But he said that he wasn't ready for someone because he was hurting, yet he just posted on Snapchat and hid it from me, that he "couldn't wait to do things with her in the future." Kissy emoji. Trying hard not to cry 😂 I don't want anybody to see me cry. My sister showed me the Snapchat. I'm really hurting...I don't even know why it's such a big deal to me. I'm confused on why I even tried. On why I'm so hung up on this. I hate talking about things, actually the other night my friend was practically begging me to open up to him...id gotten distant and stopped talking about things as much. I really don't know why I'm doing this.  I realllllly...dont know. I'm so confused and frustrated and they wonder why...i hide my feelings, I used to take it out in much unhealthier ways but now I just drown the shit out in alcohol. It's still not enough to help me but there's nothing else, I don't want to feel like this. There's nobody out there. Not for me. I thought there was, but turns out I was just a toy and nothing else. Then this guy...he didn't mean to hurt me I'm pretty sure but I just end up ignoring the people I don't want to talk to but the only ones I do, think I'm annoying. I don't blame them. I can't get my shit together, I'm terrible with basically life and I'm only 14. Almost 15.

I have considered so many things. So many. I think I'm actually out of my mind but I still have some sense of moral. I still, definitely, have feelings. Overbearing feelings. I can't handle them...talking about it...doesnt help as much as it does for other people...in fact I think it makes it worse actually...for me. Weird logic, huh? I've been feeling drained and sort of empty lately anyways, but this...this just makes it so, so much worse...

I just want to have something. You know? There are people who like me, but I can't lead them on or say that there could be something there when there really isnt... I chose the absolute worst people to fall for and yes I know I'm young but I still feel. I know what love is. It's not one of those crushes, it's soooo much more. It's hard to describe.

I've never loved someone and had them love me back...and the people who did love me...im a hypocrite. I wanted something so bad, so I tried to go after it and chase it. For the first time. My worst fear is rejection...but my second worst fear is betrayal...you know, like cheating and stuff...well. Both happened! Isn't that a joy...i really wanted to get this out so maybe someone could see it, that one person. He wants me to open up...not be so distant...but it's really hard for me. It hurts. A lot. I just don't want to say it directly to someone...im scared of responses. My mom wanted me to talk more to her too. I can't because she just refuses everything I say. Tries to apply logic to feelings. I hate. HATE. Talking to my mother. All she does is make me question everything and over think and make myself think that I'm doing everything wrong.

I try to hide my feelings and most of the time it works. But someone tends to notice...and I relapse...and I have to explain myself. I know, he's just trying to be a good friend, a good person, and he really is. But I'm uncomfortable. My coping strategy is to cry and forget...if I can't forget, I ignore. But sometimes it just isn't enough and I beat myself up for it. The smallest things make me so upset...

Why do I have to have feelings. They hurt so bad. I can't do anything right now. I was planning on updating Sick Little Games soon, but I really can't. I don't know when I'll be able to update. Just don't leave because I can't update quick enough ^^ I'll probably be venting again in the future. If you don't want to read it, I'd understand. It's not fun to read about a broken person. Till next time...

Bye 😊