After All This | pjm. ✔️

[28: intimidation]

[16 December, 2017]

God, it was so early. 4:30 AM to be exact. Why this early, Jin?

I got up from my bed, stretching my arms as I made my way to the bathroom. It was a mess, but I really didn't care. My mind was preoccupied with thoughts of what the day was going to bring.

Jimin, the boys,... I wasn't even sure. It was all a blur. I couldn't even think straight.

I turned the shower on and stepped in, letting the hot water temporarily numb my body. For once, I was at peace, unable to feel anything but the comforting warmth of the water.

Sometimes I wished that my mind could be at ease all the time—without stress, without worry, and without fear. But that reality faded a long time ago. Phases were the norm—a series of highs and lows. It was my livelihood now. I had no say in what I wanted.

『"Miss, you meet the criteria for a bipolar II disorder. From what we have observed, your hypomanic, or 'high', and depressive, or 'low', episodes aren't as severe as they usually would be a bipolar I case."

I stared at the doctor in complete shock. I couldn't believe the diagnosis. I expected it to be different, but at least I got one answer that I had been asking myself: was I a mess?

The answer was yes, yes I was.

I let my new feelings settle themselves wherever they wanted to. The sudden urge to just give up ravaged my thoughts yet again. Now that I had an explanation as to why that was, I didn't care.

"What we can do for you is prescribe a special kind of antidepressant. Since bipolar depression isn't necessarily similar to other kinds of depression, you will have to be treated with a different medication. These will definitely keep your mental health in check for the time being."

...

'Mental health in check.'

I stood up from my seat and stormed out the door without a backward glance. I could immediately hear my mother spit out rushed apologies to the doctor, who no doubt was in shock.

To put it simply, I never went back to that clinic.』

Once I was finished, I dried myself off and got dressed. Plain clothes seemed like the best option. No point in trying too hard. I just wanted to see him.

I made sure to take my medication and put it into my bag, along with the journal. I was set.

"Behave while I'm gone, Gaeul." I stroked her coat gently, feeling her purr contently as she was napping. Lazy cat.

I pulled on a jacket and a face mask before heading out the door. I looked around and sure enough, there was a car waiting beside the curb. I took a slow, deep breath, staring at the vehicle.

Relax. Just do it.

~

"This way, miss." The driver closed the car door behind me and guided me through the large lobby. It was empty, but that didn't take away from its magnificence.

So this was their new dorm? So far it felt as if I was in a mansion. It was beautiful all around. I couldn't believe my eyes. It suddenly made me want to save up all my money and get a new place.

"They're getting dressed. They'll be out in a minute." The man said, leading me up a flight of stairs into a wide room.

I nodded and bowed. "Thank you."

He bowed in return and left without saying another word.

I looked around the room, my eyes falling on the windows on the other side. It was still pretty dark outside, but the view was breathtaking. I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't mind waking up to a view like this every morning.

I sat down on the sofa, glancing at my phone. 5:34 AM.

Four minutes late, Jin. I could have slept for four more minutes.

I leaned back and looked out the window. Light flurries drifted across, occasionally hitting the glass, but they melted away within the second. The sun was slowly rising above the horizon, washing everything in a bright shade of orange. I just stared at the other buildings around and wondered who else lived in this amazing neighborhood.

I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to ease my nerves that were starting to build up. How much longer?

"Pretty, isn't it?"

I whipped my head around, startled by the sudden voice. It was Namjoon, dressed in some jeans and a light shirt. He smiled and made his way over to the sofa opposite from mine before sitting down.

I could feel a certain shyness take over almost immediately—similar to the kind I had when I spent the night at the dorm. It wasn't fear; it was a sort of admiration mixed with intimidation. I wasn't so sure why.

"How are you, Y/N?"

"Nervous," I admitted. I kept my gaze averted from him, suddenly wishing I had something to wrap myself in.

He chuckled softly and leaned back on a cushion. "There's no need to be. In fact, from the looks of it, I think Jimin is a lot more nervous than you are at the moment."

I tilted my head slowly and lifted an eyebrow at his words. Jimin? More nervous than me?

Namjoon noticed my confusion and nodded, glancing over at the hallway with a sigh. "He actually hasn't come out of his room yet. We didn't let him know that you were coming until about an hour ago."

I paused. They... didn't tell him?

The feeling of regret hit me almost instantly. I could understand why they didn't want to tell him beforehand, but not telling him was a bigger issue. I shouldn't have come if it was going to be like this.

"Why not?" I asked. I couldn't keep the demanding tone from my voice.

"You know Jimin," Namjoon said looking back at me. "He worries too much."

I sighed and closed my eyes, letting it all sink in. Even though it was a simple reason, it was a completely valid one too. It was best to keep Jimin in a state where he didn't have to worry. It just made him as well as everyone else feel better.

I knew I had no choice but to move forward with my visit. It was too late to turn back and honestly too much work. I wasn't willing to wait any longer for this moment.

After about a minute of silence, I stood up from the sofa. "May I go see him now?"