Borderline Artistic 2

Ooh shit

Ahhhhh

I hate myself for this

Not because of the drawing but because school is ripping me apart limb by limb

So, I don't like this guy that much anymore. But I had a crush on him through 6th, 7th and a little bit of 8th grade (the grade I'm in now)

Like I said I don't really like him anymore. But I saw at the end of the school day that there was this one girl talking to him.

I've been seeing them hang out quite a bit, but I didn't think anything of it until today.

And it clicked in me that she was probably asking him out. I felt a little angry, a little jealous, and a little hurt.

Not so much that I'm crying my eyes out, but it stung a little seeing them.

I don't care if they date, in fact I hope they do.

But it just hurt a little, because if they do start dating that makes me feel like I'm not good enough.

I asked him out once in 7th grade and once in 8th. He said no both times. Even though I've heard he liked me too.

So if those two started dating then I would feel jealous because he was the first person that I've ever wanted to date.

I'm gray romantic and if you don't know what that is here's a screen shot

I feel romantic attraction all the time, but I never want relationships. Until I started liking him. I felt a connection. A romantic connection that I had never felt before in my entire life. Even though I've had crushes. 

And when he rejected me it hurt really bad, because it made me think he didn't feel it. That the entire thing was one sided.

This past week I was dating someone. And the entire time I was trying to convince myself that I liked them in that way. I kept saying to myself 'you want this, you deserve this'

But I had to stop lying to myself.

I didn't like them like that.

I broke it off with them and I feel like I made the right decision. Because if I let it go on long enough he might've ended up really hurt.

Anyway, something that I've never told anyone, not even my closest friends, is that I think I loved him. Maybe I still do

I don't have even the slightest idea what love in that way is. I know family and friendly love.

But not romantic love.

It just always felt different with him. I felt safe and appreciated.

Maybe he was just being nice, but in 7th grade, it was literally the worst year of my life.

I was insecure and in a really dark place.

But he always made me feel better and made me laugh.

Maybe that's way I grew attached to him. Because i was always thinking about the good things.

I don't know.

But I guess if you love something set it free.

Sorry about the long rant, but I wanted to get this off my chest.

Please take this meme as a token of my love and support