Maajin's Short Stories

Depression

Do you remember??

As a 10 year old kid, stealing chocolates at a grocery store just because you can?

Letting other people blame you when the kid you punched bled but you knew it wasn't your punch that made him bleed. It was when another classmate used a book to hit his head and his face hit the ground?

Remember when you were told to endure hunger and envy by your own Father? Because he was going to use that money for other women.

Remember when they told you to be nice?? And let your own brothers steal and destroy your personal belongings?

Also, those times.. When you didn't play when you were supposed to play, didn't wish for things when that was the only thing free in the world, didn't dream because you've already placed yourself at the lowest importance because that's where your own parents placed you?

Your cousin is more important because they're poor.
Your brother is more important because he's younger.
Those beggars are more important.
Those strangers are all more important.
Everyone else is more important..

But you..

Remember all those nights when you wished you would just die already??

When you prayed really really hard for an accident to happen and die?

Because everything around you is just a suffocating lie??

Remember when you couldn't feel anything anymore??

When you smile but it felt like instinctive thing to do?

When tears overflow on your cheeks but no pain? Or anger?

When you felt excited for someone else's love story but personally 'love' is just a word? An adjective? A chemical reaction?

Do you remember feeling weird because you couldn't feel any other emotion for other people aside from irritation and annoyance?

Then you were taught to have respect for your parents and older people. They tell you a list of things you should do and not do.

You follow..

Just for the sake of not getting shouted at or hurt or beaten or an instinctive fear that your food/clothes/necessities will be taken away from you..

As a teenager, do you remember just pointing out any cute guy you're not interested in and pretending to like them while everyone has their crushes?

Remember knowing in yourself.. You're not capable of feeling so you act like other people instead? Just so you won't be out of place? Or stand out?

Remember that time you dreamt of being a chef so you tried cooking an egg? Showing it to them being told, 'Don't do it if you don't know how to.'

Funny how such simple words could destroy everything and just gave you fear. Your will, your dreams..

And that's just how you started feeling like puppet with strings.

Remember trying to speak out?? When you asked why during your birthday, you have to give other people all the special things and you were left with leftovers? When your brother stole your money and all they did was say a single line and none after that? When they perfectly knew that you sincerely wished to learn Martial Arts but chose to ignore it? When you stopped expecting anymore because countless disappointments already made you numb. Countless broken promises made you feel that speaking out and complaining is just damn futile..

Just like a broken record that keeps saying they love you and support you but nothing when it counts. Nothing when it mattered.

And you're nothing but a stepping stone for 'Their' important people.