I have never felt so physically ill in my life. I walked up to Jay's house and rang the doorbell before I could change my mind. I could hear him walking down the hallway, his footsteps matched the beating of my heart. A second later the door opened.
"Hey!", he said with a smile and leaned in to kiss me. His lips felt foreign. "Come in."
We walked to his room. Everything was in slow motion. For the fist time I took in every part of his house, nothing really matched. His mother seriously needed to higher and interior decorator. With the gravity of the situation I could not believe that such an unimportant thought had entered my mind. Jay sat down on his bed. He looked up at me concerned. "Is everything OK?"
I was still standing. I suddenly felt awkward, like it was the first time I had ever seen his room, even though I had been here a thousand times, even though this place was like my second home. was.
The room began to spin and I felt dizzy. My palms were sweating. I wiped them on my pants then sat down next to Jay, taking a deep breath. In and out. "Jessie, what is it?" I realized I hadn't breathed in several seconds. I forgot to let it out. The air left my lungs sharply.
"I have to tell you something." My voice shook so much I could hardly get the words out. I looked across the room at his desk because I could not bare the sight of him. My eyes found the picture I had framed, the one I'd given him on his birthday. I could feel the tears coming. I didn't try to stop them.
Another deep breath. In and out, in and out. I was calm now. My mind was clear. I was ready. "Tom and I had sex." I turned my face to him but he wasn't looking at me anymore. I followed his gaze back to the picture. He wasn't looking at it though, he was looking through it, like it wasn't even there.
"Jay?" I asked, he didn't move. "Jay?" Still nothing.
I slid myself closer to him and took his hands in mine. He turned his head towards me and stared at our tangled fingers. I watched as a single tear slid down his cheek, then another and another. I removed one of my hands and lifted his chin with my index finger the way he always would when he wanted a kiss. It was a failed attempt to get him to meet my eyes. He continued to stare at his lap.
"I'm so sorry." I kissed him on the lips, both of our faces wet with tears. Then I stood to face the door. I started to walk but stopped mid stride. Without turning I said "I love you, Jay." I could tell that he was looking at the picture again. Then I did the only thing I knew how to do, I walked away and didn't look back.
