Dear Diary

Virgin Entry

Dear Diary,

It's been a crazy month. Well, what is there to be surprise isn't it? My whole life had been. It's funny how this world works. How this whole "whats round comes around" myth have come to play.I'm literally, at the verge of suicide to be honest. No, it isn't my quickest escape. It's just that I felt like for a young adult like me having to go through these much since young is absolutely insane. I wonder how many are there like me or it's just me. I'm weird. lol maybe I am.

Im always a loner to begin with isn't it diary? I never will be someone anyone would be proud of except for my family.Especially Valerie. Having a soft spot of a heart could be a blessing and curse at the same time to be honest. lol ok to be honest I'm not 100% sure what that means but here's what my definition...

"My heart is like heaven quality mattress where by if u set on it for so long, even when u left for years, it still leave a mark. Which means, anyone besides u that sat on it won't felt comfortable as everyone was born in different forms. And what happen when the sofa you sat on isn't comfortable?They left."

You know what hurt most? it's when the person that creates that mark comes back as I try to make her sat on it again, it did't felt comfortable for her either. why? because as human being, we grow, we change be it into positive or negative that's how individual see it in their own perspective. Maybe you did recognise this feeling as I allow u sat on my heart. But, only God knows how much u create such a huge impact 10 years ago. You were my first heartbreak, My first rejection, my first time felling in love with someone with a brown eyes, fair pinkish shaded skin of those hands that touches mine, a smile that can light up the universe without one realising. 

How I wish I can make you see the world in my eyes, Val. It's just pictures that live in this presence because it was at that time I never felt more alive being with you doing silly things like we always do. Do you remember how we met? Do you remember how we spend our first date together watching movies? ininfact, I still remember what u wore and what I wore. Even though ,I can't remember the movie that we watch but I still remember when we sat by "Taka mall" stairs as we make fun of people passing by. Do you still remember me sending u off by train to your home which was still close to mine then when the there's still day light left ? My whole journey, was just secretly admiring you in those dark brown eyes thinking...

 "Why would someone like would love to go on a date with me?or maybe to you this is all just friendship? god..how I wish u knew I'm attracted to you. Do you have anyone else in mind ? Who are you texting ? Do you have someone already ?Am I just one of them ?

Yes, thats how I am with you. But have I show it ? Never. Because I still remember when you told me you have an eye candy or there's this guy who rides motorbike then or there's this guy who drive a GTR that you always so proud of. I can never be that person can I, Val? :')

Even after decades have pass, nobody can replace that feeling when I looked into someones eyes. I miss you. Would you one day realise notice my existence ? Until then, all I can do is hope and pray as I slowly drop hints. Because when it comes to you, there's something different about me. How easy I am to flirt or to say sweet words but when it comes to you... I couldn't even keep my eyes lock into yours when u caught me looking into it.

Do you remember me, val?

Sincerely,

me