Swear

what the fuck am I

I know I'm gonna sound all cliché and shit but please bear with me

But throughout the months, maybe even a year already, I've been developing this voice

The voice isn't the normal one that I used to have though

Not the one that kept kicking me down

But this voice, I honestly don't know how to explain it, it's just really fucking diverse

I'm honestly scared, I really do hope this is just puberty fucking my brain over because I'm a growing person

But, I've just been getting these thoughts of murder, just 24/7

Now I'm the type of person who feels uneasy when they see something disturbing, and I definitely don't like blood, but, ever since I've been hearing gossip about me, I just started changing apparently

I try not to let things people say about me affect me too much, but ever since I got an MU that was a girl, people kinda used that fact harshly against me

I was harsh the first quarters of school, but I really had to, in our system of the school, what usually happens is that if you fail the early quarters, it's a huge bitch to recover from

I became strict towards them since they still has the carefree mindset, even though they should already start developing a more rational and mature idea of what they're supposed to do

It worked a bit, the class finally seemed to act more like high school people. But in the process of being strict with them, I earned bad reputation around a lot of people since they know me more of being 'hot headed' now

It made me real sad for some time, but I managed to convince myself that it was for the best, they changed, and that's all that counts

But now the gossip has just became worse

Like I mentioned earlier, there's a girl that I have mutual feelings with. Ever since then, I heard some people talk about gay couples, and it's obvious that they were trying to divert it to me

Like 'nagpaparinig' in tagalog, Idk how to translate or explain

Anyway going back. I've been hearing it quite often, and I've earned disgusted glances from many people, but I never told anyone, I never asked for help. I wanted to fight it myself

I thought it didn't affect me, I never thought about it, but, it's been too much

The backstabbing is just adding up and up

The people I used to be good acquaintances with seem to feel rather uncomfortable around me

Am I like this walking hazard to everyone?

I mean they're not wrong.
I apparently bring drama wherever I go.

Everyday I step in school, I just feel so soulless and empty

I don't know.
I really don't know why.

And so, everything started piling up on each other, over and over. Problem on problem.

And now I'm scared

Again, like I mentioned earlier, I've been getting these thoughts of murder, just holding the knife to open a pack of food or smth already makes me feel euphoria

In addition to that, my temper has been extremely short, like, I get easily pissed off at the slightest things, and my body subconsciously responds with extreme violence

I remember once I noticed I was sharpening a pencil with the thought of stabbing someone

I don't know who I am anymore
And to make matters worse, the girl I have mutual feelings with is the one who is able to trigger it, like, really quickly. And when she triggers it, it's bad

I really do love her, so I told her if she wanted to break up so that she'd safe, she said she didn't want to so I warned her and told her to keep keeps distance between us first because who knows what shit my stupid ass head can pull off

But she didn't take that warning seriously

The few days after that, she acted the same as before, and I wonder if she even really does care

I'm not trying to be selfish, one of the very first things I ever told her when she confessed to me was that I was already mentally unstable in a way, and that she should be understanding and considerate when the day comes that I become fucked up.

I this is the day I finally became fucked up, I already told her to keep distance, I warned her the day she said she didn't want to break up

Yet I'm the bad guy here

Hah

Just comical

Apparently when I'm the one in distress I'm the selfish one

Apparently when I need help, I'm the bad one

Apparently I'm the one who deserves to burn in hell

The times I need help. I'm the one blamed for everything

Don't get me wrong, I also have a fault in this situation overall, but, the blame is being completely diverted to me.

And I just can't help but laugh

I'm worthless
I have no rights
I was created to be used
To be toyed around with
I was made to help and please others
But I was never allowed to be helped

I'm just a play toy
Something for everyone to use
Something for everyone to blame on

And when I finally have something wrong with me, all hate goes to me as I'm thrown away

So what am I really
This sociopath?
This toy?
Or just nothing?