Shadow

CHAPTER ONE - NEW

"You’re ugly"

"You’re fat"

"You don’t deserve to live"

I sat in bed and thought back on the comments I got at my old school as I felt the gap between my legs. I spent all summer making sure I’d change. Making sure I was better. I had to be.

All I ever wanted was to be liked and happy again. I was happy before all of the hate started piling in, before everyone decided to stop liking me. So I thought I’d be happy if other people actually liked me. That way I wouldn’t get any hate and I would finally be ok with who I was. Then I could be like everybody else, normal, instead of being the outsider, the loser.

But what I never thought of was “What if I’m still not happy?”

It was a scary thought to think about. But it’s important to face your fears sometimes and I was going to look them in the eyes.

I bought myself a whole new wardrobe, keeping in thought that everything would change just like I did, that everything would be ‘okay’.

But I couldn’t change everything, I was still the same person underneath, I just looked different now.

It was if I was playing a character. Everything had become a movie, but I never wanted to play this role. I had to keep reminding myself that people treat beautiful people with more respect. If I wanted that, I had to keep on acting.

…

I walked into my new school, still not having one bit of confidence within me. It was different being here. I liked the feeling. I was a fresh face. I was a new person. I was a better me. People were smiling at me, boys winking at me. No one was making me feel small.

“Is this what being ‘beautiful’ feels like?” I thought to myself.

I liked it so far, but I still wasn’t sure.

I kept thinking, “What if something went wrong? What if they see through me?”

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.

Who was I kidding? I wasn’t the pretty popular girl. In fact I was more like the opposite.

This was just a disaster waiting to happen.

I guess it really was too late to turn back now though.

I had to keep going. All my hard effort and work had to be for something. I can do this. I can be a better me. I will be happy. I am new.