Two Sides

And No Plan

"What's the plan?" 

I've asked the same question ten times, but I can't control the compulsion to keep repeating it. As if a suitable answer will come from hearing myself say it over and over. I'm pacing, too, which doesn't generate a solution, but it gives me an outlet for my nervous energy. It's midday, and neither of us have much appetite. Ben lies on the bed, watching me. He's done well so far with my anxiety. I expected him to react to the situation more severely than he has.

He shrugs, takes a deep breath, and repeats himself for the tenth time. "We don't have enough information to plan, and even if we knew what tonight would bring, there are too many . . ."

"Unknown variables to make it worth worrying about now," I finish. This makes him smile. 

"You are listening. I was beginning to wonder." 

"Aren't you afraid?" 

He sobers and motions me over to him. I crawl up onto the bed and stretch out beside him. 

"It's battle. Same as any other. There's no time for fear."

I watch him, distracted by his wide, sensuous lips. The bond is open, and he turns toward me and smirks.

"Really? The lips? I can't imagine finding my face attractive."

"Well, it is," I say. 

I clearly remember the first time I noticed them. I was standing over a cliff above the ocean of Ahch-To, outside of the Falcon, watching the waves crash against the rocks beneath me. And then he appeared, and I couldn't control my temper. I called him a monster, and he just stood there. My eyes snagged on his lips and all of my anger drained away, replaced by other emotions I couldn't even begin to comprehend. 

I trace those lips with a finger, and then run my hand down the full length of the scar from above his eyebrow to his chest. My scar. He traps my hand against his chest and holds it tight.

"Rey, we should talk before tonight. In case something happens."

I narrow my eyes, and know what he's going to say before he even starts. Still, I let him. He needs to do this, to be my protector, no matter how irrational it is. 

"I will manage the monsters. You keep the children out of the way." 

"I'm not going to stand by, huddled in the corner, while you get yourself killed." 

"About me dying. I don't plan on doing anything to speed it along, but odds are it might happen. I wanted to talk to you before we're down there, faced with the choices we're going to have to make." 

"What about?" My heart is pounding out a ridiculously fast beat. 

He sits up and pulls me across his lap. I fit here, straddled over his hips, my face a mere hand-span from his.  He clears his throat and rests his forehead against mine, his wide hands splayed out over my back. 

"I never imagined I would experience anything like this." His voice is strained. I pull his shirt into my fists and remind myself to breathe. "I have wanted power for so long. I have done unspeakable things to obtain it. When you rejected me on the Supremacy, and I realized how miserable my existence was, that's when I started to change. When I began to imagine a different way. It took me a while to get here, but I did. I never regret giving up what I had for you. Never."

I swallow, and nod. I can't tell if the onslaught of emotions are mine or his or both tangled up together. He doesn't often let the bond open like this, so wide I can feel exactly what he's feeling.

"I love you," he whispers. "Enough to lay down my life to keep you safe. I have no regrets about the choices I've made. Tonight is not a hardship. We will face it together."

"You love me?" I test the weight of that statement in my mouth, rolling it around until it fits properly. 

He chuckles. "Of course. Couldn't you tell?"

"I," I stumble and trail off, my chest expanding too fast. "Yes. I just. I know." I pull away from him so I can see him. "I love you, too. I truly do. You are my family." 

The frantic, lust-driven encounters we've had before now do not match what happens next. He lays me down with a reverence that I cannot fathom. There is a worshipful quality to this slow, deliberate love-making that sets me spinning, losing the last little bit of myself in the process. Every touch is drawn out, every kiss exquisite and savored. Every time I try to speed up, he forces me to wait, to explore, to linger. I have no control over my body, and I realize that I don't mind. 

He plays with my hair when it's over. I almost purr I'm so content. 

"Gods, Rey, you are perfect." 

My fear over tonight evaporates with his steady ministrations. I try not to think about it, but instead focus on this moment. I can't change what will happen. I don't even know if I'll survive the night. 

"Do you think we'll see anyone we know in the crowd tonight?" I ask. 

The protective shield around the arena is transparent. Sometimes the monsters go for the crowd first in their confusion and rage, slamming hard into the surface. 

"I'd estimate that I've made enough enemies to fill that arena from floor to ceiling over the years. Maybe everyone who hates me got a special invitation to this show." 

"I'm sure the invitation was sent as soon as we arrived," I say. "When's the last time they had a Supreme Leader fight, I wonder?" 

He laughs. "Snoke would have fried anything that got near him." 

"Fried?"

"Yes. With Force lightning." 

I stare at him, unsure if he's kidding. "The Force can make lightning?"

"Not exactly. It depends on the user."

"Can you?"

"No, darling, I cannot. But it would be helpful right about now."