Eight Seconds (boyxboy)

Part One

A/N: Chandler Riggs up top is playing Matthew Tipton. Such a cutie.

Every person gets eight seconds of courage... What would you possibly use your eight seconds for? I have no real idea what I would use my eight seconds for...stop myself from being so depressed, stop attempting suicide, anything. Yet, here I am with the knife in my hand, waiting for death to take over. I look back over all the notes... I am such a coward. I look at the scars... I am so ugly. I am so broken. I do not know what to do anymore. I gave up on suicide long ago. I've given up on life... I do not want to be here anymore...yet I cannot seem to die. It is like life is not done for me. It feels like it though.

I harshly press upon one of the wounds that had previously clotted to make it bleed again. I groan in pain as the tears begin to fall like raindrops upon my arm. I watch myself in the mirror as the little droplets begin to pearl up and roll down my cheeks. I pulled out the journal I write everything in and began to recall all of the events of the week.

Today he was very nice to me. I do not know what to do. I feel like I cannot trust him and that I should not trust him. He pointed out my scars and asked if I had cut myself or if I were in an accident. I lied to him and told him that I had fallen and broken a glass and it cut my arm. I was trapped with him in an elevator. I panicked. I could not run. I could not hide. I was screwed... and I was terrified.

I threw my journal onto the floor beside me and sighed while rubbing my hands down my face. Who knew being depressed would be so hard. Then again it all makes sense to me now. Ha! I know what you are thinking...aw, poor pitiful geeky white boy. Always seeking attention, but you are wrong. I am not a geeky white boy, I am just your average teen. I get decent grades but not the best. I didn't grow up with the most supportive family ever, I am just here to pass my classes and graduate then get the hell out of here.

I am scared to tell anyone about my problems in fear that they will reject me like all the ones before had done. So I do what I have always done... I make it unknown by distracting people with the fake smiles and the sarcastic comebacks. The sarcastic comebacks come natural to me like breathing comes to the majority of people. The fake smiles however are becoming a heavy burden with a major price to pay for them, I am starting to believe that everything in my life has to be lies and fake smiles. It is getting hard to keep those smiles plastered on my face as they feel like burning ash against my cheeks.

Nobody, would possibly ever know the truth right? Nobody would ever find out how it is almost impossible for me to leave my bed every morning or how it is almost impossible for me to muster the courage to walk into school every day. I used to believe that today would be the day, the day that I get over this depression; the day that I just get over it, but that day still hasn't come. I still wake up and see the same malnourished dumb boy that I have always been. The same waste of space. The same burden, the same.........nothing.

I guess after all of that drama I might as well provide a somewhat decent introduction.

My name is Matthew and I was born in Norwalk, Georgia on December 21st, 1998. My favorite color is ash grey. My current favorite song is Lost Boy by Ruth B, I know it is clique but I love it. I guess you could say that I am gay as well because I feel like I am more attracted to men than anything. Not like anyone is interested anyway. Also, before you ask no I am not a virgin. I lost that card a few years back to a person I used to call a friend.

I feel insignificant and damaged regarding being a proper figure in the high ranking of my community. I am destined to follow in my father's shoes but it seems that his shoes are just too large for me to fill. I feel like damaged goods.