Anna's Smile

I've heard the quote "A smile is the easiest thing to fake" countless times, in fact it is safe to say that almost everyone has heard it at least once. The luckiest people in the world will believe this quote to be true. Why do they have any reason not to believe it? There are however some people, myself included, that realize that this particular quote is complete and utter bullshit. 

The reality of the matter is that smiles are some of the hardest things to fake. Ask anyone that has ever had to do it for a prolonged period of time. Pretending to be happy aches, it slowly rips through you and aims right for where it hurts; your heart. This unfortunately tends to get worse over time. People tend to try to cover up this pain with more fake smiles, this however only lodges the knife deeper and deeper into your flesh until there is no going back- the damage is too great. 

As time goes on, everything begins to fall apart. Even the eight hours of sleep that you once treasured as your only means of escape from the world becomes inhabited with just as many demons and just as much painful depression as your day to day life- until you finally realize that you truly are haunted. I believe it was around that point in my life that I discovered I was dying. 

Dying is seen as a physical thing in life that everyone will eventually undergo, which is true, however death is not simply dying. The word 'die' is in the dictionary, but why would one bother to look up such a word? Everyone knows what it means to die. However, if you are at all like myself,  you will be shocked at the definition. Die(v)- to cease to live. Is that simply it then? Death is just the physical state of no longer living? It might make sense to some that to die is very simply to no longer live, however to someone that has experienced death first hand would know there is a great difference. 

Your body and your soul are two seperate entities that make up the singular entity that is you. It is believed that only the body entity can die and when that occurs, the soul entity lives on. I believe however that the soul is just as able to die as the body is. Your body is nothing but a carying case for who- what- you really are. You are not a body that has a soul- you are simply a soul that has a body. The soul has the ability to live on forever and since the body does not have this ability keeping your soul alive and well is beyond crucial. A soul can die-and when it does you are nothing but an empty shell dragging yourself through your day to day activities. The day that the body of a person lacking a soul- dies, is the day that this particular person is no more. Then again perhaps I am wrong- perhaps the death of the body will bring the soul back to it's original livliness because it no longer has to carry the burden of a broken heart- seeing as a soul hasn't a heart to break. To be honest- I don't know. However I believe that if someone having had felt the pain of a dead soul knows not- who ever will?

My name is Anna- I am 15 years old and I am what I would call; an empty shell. My soul is long dead yet my body is still here. The day my mother discovered my depression; she tried to hide it believing it to be nothing serious. However when she discovered the extremity that is my pain she did something about it. I don't blame her for hating me- I don't blame her for sending me to an institute to get 'help' from people that only cause more pain. No. I hate me too. I would want to get rid of me too. I wonder if she knows how hard I am trying to get better. I wonder if she realizes that I honestly don't have the strength. I wonder how long I will have to stay here until she realizes it isn't working. I have one goal in this world and to reach that goal- I know I will have to leave this place. I'm not allowed to leave and therefore one day I will have to escape, that day is today.  My name is Anna and this is the story of my quest. My quest to win back my smile.