We All Need Saving

Sorry...

I'm sorry... Those two words are so overused and have lost some of their meaning, but sometimes those two words mean everything. Sometimes they open the door to all the bottled up emotions that you've kept for so long, too long. The emotions, the thoughts that keep you up all night. The things you wish you could say, but are too afraid to. The things I wish I could say... The thoughts that won't leave me alone, that keep me up all night, that leave me in the past, that drive me back to the blade...

I'm sorry for not being good enough. I'm sorry I couldn't control my emotions around you. I'm sorry I was sensitive around you. I'm sorry I can't let you go, can't move on, can't forget. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted. I'm sorry I was clingy. I'm sorry I let you see part of me no one saw. I'm sorry I let you in as much as I could. I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you to stay. I'm sorry I made you leave. I'm sorry I angered you. I'm sorry I confused you. I'm sorry I ignored you at times. I'm sorry I didn't let my true feelings for you show because I was so afraid of being vulnerable. I'm sorry I let myself get in the way. I'm sorry I got jealous. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry for lashing out on you. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I'm sorry I acted like I hated you to appease them. I'm sorry I lied when they asked me those questions. I'm sorry I made you seem like the bad guy. I'm sorry I annoyed you just because I was younger. I'm sorry I made you angry to the point where we got physical. I'm sorry I like you one moment and hate you the next. I'm sorry that we drifted. I'm sorry that I played with your emotions. I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance. I'm sorry that I ruined our friendship. I'm sorry that I talked about you just so that they wouldn't hate me. I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you. I'm sorry that I come from drug addict parents. I'm sorry that my past is complicated. I'm sorry that I make everyone leave. I'm sorry that my family tree is more complicated than rocket science. I'm sorry that I lie to you everyday.

I'm sorry that I procrastinate. I'm sorry that I don't get perfect grades. I'm sorry that you'll never know the truth behind the lies. I'm sorry that I lie. I'm sorry that I keep everything inside until I explode on you. I'm sorry that I burden you. I'm sorry that I can't get you out of my head, out of my heart. I'm sorry that I ruined us. I'm sorry that I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry that my only comfort now is music and the blade. I'm sorry I know I told you I was done with that, but you left, and I needed to feel to something. I'm sorry that I can't do this without you. I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough.  I'm sorry that I fuck everything up. I'm sorry that I get distracted. I'm sorry that I want you to listen to me, to care, to notice me. I'm sorry that I still love you, that I'm still in love with you, and I'm sorry that I wish you still felt the same. I'm sorry that you still mean everything and more to me, and I don't mean anything to you anymore...

Did I ever? I'm left wondering now if we were real. It felt so real, but if it was, would I be staring at myself in the mirror watching the tears fall down my face? Would I be bringing the bottle to my lips whenever I can find it? Would I be sitting in my bed at night, crying to the point where my eyes burn when I blink, picking up that blade when the 7 rubber bands on my wrist aren't enough, watching the blood fill the trench I built, then press the flashlight against my skin to see how the veins look, but careful to avoid that one, that deadly one? Would I be making sure nobody can see it, and then trying so hard not to cry in school every time I see you? Just tell me it was real, and I'll believe you. Was it real for you? What did I do to make you leave? Just come back and I promise I'll be better. But you're gone. You moved on, just like that, and left me stuck in the past. You act like we were nothing, like I meant nothing, like I don't exist. I would do anything to get you back, to have you back as mine, to be able to tell you I love you, to hug you again, to hold your hand again, to kiss you again, and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for holding you back. I'm sorry for abandoning you. I'm sorry for letting us drift. I'm sorry for believing. I'm sorry for falling...

I'm sorry. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm drowning... and there's no one here to save me...