The mind of a diabetic

Log 26

May 29, 2018

Tuesday

2150

Last weekend was...

Renewing to say the least

I guess I could say relaxing but then I would be lying to myself...

My depression wasn't acting up like normal, so that's a positive...

Opal went down to Mexico and left Jacob and I for the weekend

Jacob tried to stay up the entire 72 hours that Opal was gone but failed around the 50 hour mark

That night I couldn't sleep though...

I guess it was a trade off of sorts...

My thoughts are racing and I don't know where they start or end anymore

I feel so burnt out from everything that my suicidal tendencies are beginning to creep up again...

Not really the tendencies just the thoughts of how those I know would react to my death...

Sometimes...

I wonder what it would feel like to hurt myself

That's why so many people do it, right?

Because it makes them feel good?

Or is it to stop the dark thoughts from overcoming them like I've failed countless times..?

I was left alone for an hour today and all I did was sing songs while I lied on the floor in a desperate attempt to stop the sobs...

I failed horribly

I felt good enough to stop the tears but I was still lying on the floor when Opal got home...

She said that I'm not going to be in AP Lang next year because of my incompetence or something

All I heard was that I'm a failure

Again...

All I want from life is to let me go but that won't ever happen

It's the only thing that I know for sure that will happen

Everything else is a game of chance

An extremely twisted, dark, horrible, deadly game of chance

I want it to stop

I want the pain in my heart to stop

I want everything to go back to when I was young and happy and so fucking naive

When I could talk to a stranger and make them laugh, that being my only goal everyday

Back when I had a real friend that we told secrets to each other and teased Jacob like the first graders that we were

When the only thing I had to worry about was if Opal came home or not after work

When money was the only problem that we had and I counted each little gift as a small blessing

When I could sing for hours, until my throat hurt, and then danced like a maniac in my room to have fun or do my horrible drawing that gave me such joy

When I didn't have to worry about my great-grandma dying from old age

I would sleep over at her house all the time and make biscotti or some other Italian dessert together and eat them with coffee

We would play Kings in the Corner, poker, Phase 10, and Uno until it was my bedtime

Then she would tuck me in and say her prayers and do her rosary

When all I wanted was for those moments to go on forever

We would go to my grandma's and swim with my Uncle Hank, Uncle Paul (my god father), and my Auntie Kathy in her pool

Jacob would cling to the corners and I would do laps before Uncle Paul started chicken fights

Grandma would freak out and try and stop us but failed horribly

We all laughed

We all had so much fun

I didn't have to worry or fear

And I hate how I do now...

It's late and I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight again...

I'll see if I can sleep but I highly doubt it

- I